WHISPER CHALLENGE! | BfGfBattles

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My Fight

I am reminding myself of the strength I know I have. I lost track of it for a while, not from being sick but because of my divorce, but it's still there when I need it most. Having doctors ignore me for the last 6 months while I try to tell them something is wrong has been quite frustrating. Being in an MRI tube for 6 hours two days ago put my mental strength to the test. The only reason the tears came after 5 hours is that I felt like I was ruining my daughter's day off with her boyfriend. Luckily, the staff let them know it would be a while, and they were able to go do things while they waited. Most of the time, I was comfortable except when I had to be on my side with my arm above my head. The pain began to be more than I could bear. Other times they had so many pillows propping me in positions I almost couldn't fit on the tube. The Valium wore off way too soon, but I was able to just blank my mind when it got too much.

I pray I am wrong about the feeling my cancer is back. With the series of events that have led up to this MRI, I really have lost faith in the medical field. Yes, in years past they are what saved my life, but only in my persistence to get 2nd and 3rd opinions when I didn't like what I heard or didn't feel it was the right course of action. My story has many, many medical blunders. I just hope the torture I went through on Thursday gives me some answers. If it's not cancer, then tell me WHAT it is, and not pass these lumps off as ... "I don't know, but I don't think it's cancer related."

Inner Pain

How do you get rid of pain that has been buried and ignored so deep within you that it has eaten away everything inside you including your soul?

SIRENIA - The Path To Decay

Burning

...each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can’t strike them all by ourselves; just as in the experiment, we need oxygen and a candle to help. In this case, the oxygen, for example, would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle could be any kind of food, music, caress, word, or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches. For a moment we are dazzled by an intense emotion. A pleasant warmth grows within us, fading slowly as time goes by, until a new explosion comes along to revive it. Each person has to discover what will set off those explosions in order to live, since the combustion that occurs when one of them is ignited is what nourishes the soul. . .You must of course take care to light the matches one at a time. If a powerful emotion should ignite them all at once they would produce a splendor so dazzling that it would illuminate far beyond what we can normally see; and then a brilliant tunnel would appear before our eyes, revealing the path we forgot the moment we were born, and summoning us to regain the divine origin we had lost. The soul ever longs to return to the place from which it came, leaving the body lifeless. . 

Quote from Like water for Chocolate

sigh ...

So many ideas ... so little money.

It would also really help if I wasn't ADD...

Change

I have been a total fuck up my entire life. Why on earth did I think I could be anything more?

Time for Healing

I thought I was letting go of the past and all the anger I have about it, but it's still there. It became even more apparent when I asked my ex to help with funds for his daughter to have gas, tolls, parking and eating at the parks today. That went over well, and I yelled at him for the first time in a very long time. Not like when we split, but I am still upset he got me to that point. Well... I allowed myself to get to that point.

I've been sick more than I have been well since the New Year started. I looked at my Louise Hay "Heal your Body" and this is what I saw. The problem is first. The affirmations are as follows.

Bronchitis - Inflamed family environment. Arguments yelling. Sometimes silent.
"I declare peace and harmony within me and all around me. All is well."


Colds - Too much going on at once. Mental confusion, disorder. Small hurts.
"I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony, within me and around me. All is well."


Coughs - A desire to bark at the world. "See me! Listen to me!"
"I am noticed and appreciated in the most positive ways. I am loved."

I'm alone in the house today. Meg took Danny to Disney for his birthday. Rich left early for work. I pulled out my long-lost Angel cards. They used to help me stay focused in times of pain. I'm not sure why I abandoned them. I was looking for a pack of tissues in one of my drawers and found a small amber bottle of anointed oil that I was given when diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I did the sign of the cross with that oil on my throat, chest, then my forehead and sat down with my cards. I clumsily mixed them with my eyes closed, waiting until it felt right to stop. When my hand was no longer able to move, I drew the first card.

New Beginnings
Card Meaning - A clean slate is presented to you as you now encounter fresh opportunities and novel experiences.

There are deeper explanations for these cards that really helped me. But I don't want to type all that!

The second card was

Support
Card Meaning - God, the Angels, and the Ascended Masters who love, protect, and guide you are watching over you right now. You are not alone, and you are safe!

The third card

Healing
Card Meaning- A situation that has caused you concern is on the mend. You are a natural healer, and healing thoughts have manifested into form.


... And I felt the need to draw a forth

Divine Guidance
Card Meaning - Trust and follow your intuition. It is God and the Angels speaking to you.

Time for new thoughts, new visions and a new life! Opening my heart and my mind, HEALING!

Sugar Daddy

.... I'm beginning to think I need one. Every time I think I'm going to make some progress in my life I hit a wall. At this rate I'm going to go from concussion to brain damage.

Thinking about a Bucket List

I am so grateful for having life and never believed the doctors that I was going to die. I have a good life, but have allowed depression and stress and most of all pain and fear control me. I live for my children, yet one is on his own and the other is not far behind. Both full of life and ready for life's adventures. It's time for my own. This divorce, not the disease, has left me broken, broke and not living life. I am going to do everything in my power to fulfill things I have dreamed of doing in my life. Don't know where I will get the money to do this, but I will find a way. Here is a start to my Bucket List. There will be so much more added with time.

I want to stay in a castle turned hotel.



        

 ... or two.

Wander the English countryside.

Spend a few months in Tuscany.

Absorb every inch of Notre Dame and gaze upon the spiritual Rose window.

One day owning a few acres with horses. 

Maybe alpacas ...

 

... and one of these! <3

I'm jealous my kids are at Universals Halloween Horror Nights without me! I sat at home and played with Photoshop instead of working tonight. Going on vacation in a few days, but it seems my brain is already there!

Small Rant ...

As a breast cancer patient/survivor who has lost her breasts, I love Breast Cancer Awareness month because of the money it raises for research. It also reminds survivors we are not alone. But what really bothers me is women obsessed with their own breasts that say they support women of BC when they really don't give a crap at all. Just more of an excuse to promote their self obsession. I for one can do without the fake support, thank you.

Tears

Been crying off and on all week. My heart is breaking for a friend in hospice, regretting things I should have done. I feel so bad for Chris and Liz who have been best friends with her since childhood, and for her family who is suffering watching her suffer.

Selfishly this has been a wake up call for me. I have been so wrapped up in focusing on my problems and with this  marathon divorce I have lost the happy go lucky positive person I used to be.  I'm sick of being sick. I've been blaming the meds I am on, but I know it's mostly all me. I have to get back on a good mental and physical track. The depression I fight has some to do with it, but I have always been able to overcome. I just simply gave up the last several years.

I just wrote on Ellen's show page for survivors and broke down in tears again. I had to answer questions about my illness and give advice for someone about to start treatment. It hit me hard about how low my life has sunk and how I have allowed my life to move so off course! I used to be told I was amazing. I used to be there for women newly diagnosed. I used to talk to the other cancer patients while getting my treatments.
Now, I've pushed so many out of my life. I avoid people. I am a homebody. I sit and stay to myself in the IV room. Again, part of it is depression and losing my positive focus, but lately it's gotten to be I am ashamed of myself. My teeth are a mess from chemo and radiation and I'm ashamed to smile and laugh. I still can't find a dentist to help me. I have become so heavy and don't feel comfortable in clothes. I won't buy new clothes because I tell myself I will when I lose weight. I am ashamed to go out because I have no clothes to wear! Vicious circle I tell ya. I don't feel well and am tired all the time. If I exercised and ate right I would feel better. I over eat and don't eat the right foods because I have come to realize food comforts me. If I don't break these horrendous cycles I will never heal! I know what I need to do to get better, it's finding the motivation ... no, the mental strength to get there.

I have LIFE. Something I was told I was going to lose years ago. I want more than this. I want to start LIVING life. So many years in that chemo room I began to block out the pain and suffering that goes on there. Chris C's battle is more personal and has unblocked a reality to just how fragile life is.

Reading back over this, I even ramble in circles. No wonder I'm always dizzy.

Home Office

My home office is coming together! It's bittersweet considering it's Zacks old room and I couldn't even come in here for almost 2 months! It was too heartbreaking walking in and seeing all his things gone. He has been in this room since he was in a crib! Now that I am setting up my own workspace I'm a happy girl :-) I'm going to go through old pictures and make a collage of pictures through the years and hang it on the wall.

I spent all day going through all the things he left behind sorting what I keep for memories and what goes in the garage sale. Yes, I am crazy for having another one. Every time I do I say I will never have another. But there is just too much to bring to Goodwill so I might as well try and make a few bucks then send what's left to charity.

Right now I am using a 5ft. folding table that I will eventually use for home parties as my desk/work table. My creative juices are flowing. I just hope I can keep on task. When I have so many things I want to do I tend to start a project then move to the next, then the next and never get one fully done. I have to learn to stay on task! I think the art will be first, then the crafts, then the aromatherapy and skin care items. I won't have everything done in time for the village craft fair in October, but there will be others. I also have the website and hopes of home parties once I get things going.

I have a big futon in here so at times I can sit back, relax and think. Right now I have 3 cats checking it out thinking it's their new hangout. I don't think so! Koondah is a bit confused because he smells himself on  it and it looks eerily familiar. I got it from my ex. I also got the cat from my ex. Poor baby is looking at me like... wtf? lol

I'm pretty exhausted from working all day. My back is absolutely killing me. The heating pad and my bed are calling my name.

Words from the heart

I shouldn't still be obsessing over this, but it hurts to be blamed by people that have no clue. I saw something today that bothered me greatly and started typing these words. I'm not a writer so don't judge. The pain is real.