My Fight

I am reminding myself of the strength I know I have. I lost track of it for a while, not from being sick but because of my divorce, but it's still there when I need it most. Having doctors ignore me for the last 6 months while I try to tell them something is wrong has been quite frustrating. Being in an MRI tube for 6 hours two days ago put my mental strength to the test. The only reason the tears came after 5 hours is that I felt like I was ruining my daughter's day off with her boyfriend. Luckily, the staff let them know it would be a while, and they were able to go do things while they waited. Most of the time, I was comfortable except when I had to be on my side with my arm above my head. The pain began to be more than I could bear. Other times they had so many pillows propping me in positions I almost couldn't fit on the tube. The Valium wore off way too soon, but I was able to just blank my mind when it got too much.

I pray I am wrong about the feeling my cancer is back. With the series of events that have led up to this MRI, I really have lost faith in the medical field. Yes, in years past they are what saved my life, but only in my persistence to get 2nd and 3rd opinions when I didn't like what I heard or didn't feel it was the right course of action. My story has many, many medical blunders. I just hope the torture I went through on Thursday gives me some answers. If it's not cancer, then tell me WHAT it is, and not pass these lumps off as ... "I don't know, but I don't think it's cancer related."

Burning

...each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can’t strike them all by ourselves; just as in the experiment, we need oxygen and a candle to help. In this case, the oxygen, for example, would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle could be any kind of food, music, caress, word, or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches. For a moment we are dazzled by an intense emotion. A pleasant warmth grows within us, fading slowly as time goes by, until a new explosion comes along to revive it. Each person has to discover what will set off those explosions in order to live, since the combustion that occurs when one of them is ignited is what nourishes the soul. . .You must of course take care to light the matches one at a time. If a powerful emotion should ignite them all at once they would produce a splendor so dazzling that it would illuminate far beyond what we can normally see; and then a brilliant tunnel would appear before our eyes, revealing the path we forgot the moment we were born, and summoning us to regain the divine origin we had lost. The soul ever longs to return to the place from which it came, leaving the body lifeless. . 

Quote from Like water for Chocolate

Thinking about a Bucket List

I am so grateful for having life and never believed the doctors that I was going to die. I have a good life, but have allowed depression and stress and most of all pain and fear control me. I live for my children, yet one is on his own and the other is not far behind. Both full of life and ready for life's adventures. It's time for my own. This divorce, not the disease, has left me broken, broke and not living life. I am going to do everything in my power to fulfill things I have dreamed of doing in my life. Don't know where I will get the money to do this, but I will find a way. Here is a start to my Bucket List. There will be so much more added with time.

I want to stay in a castle turned hotel.



        

 ... or two.

Wander the English countryside.

Spend a few months in Tuscany.

Absorb every inch of Notre Dame and gaze upon the spiritual Rose window.

One day owning a few acres with horses. 

Maybe alpacas ...

 

... and one of these! <3