My Fight

I am reminding myself of the strength I know I have. I lost track of it for a while, not from being sick but because of my divorce, but it's still there when I need it most. Having doctors ignore me for the last 6 months while I try to tell them something is wrong has been quite frustrating. Being in an MRI tube for 6 hours two days ago put my mental strength to the test. The only reason the tears came after 5 hours is that I felt like I was ruining my daughter's day off with her boyfriend. Luckily, the staff let them know it would be a while, and they were able to go do things while they waited. Most of the time, I was comfortable except when I had to be on my side with my arm above my head. The pain began to be more than I could bear. Other times they had so many pillows propping me in positions I almost couldn't fit on the tube. The Valium wore off way too soon, but I was able to just blank my mind when it got too much.

I pray I am wrong about the feeling my cancer is back. With the series of events that have led up to this MRI, I really have lost faith in the medical field. Yes, in years past they are what saved my life, but only in my persistence to get 2nd and 3rd opinions when I didn't like what I heard or didn't feel it was the right course of action. My story has many, many medical blunders. I just hope the torture I went through on Thursday gives me some answers. If it's not cancer, then tell me WHAT it is, and not pass these lumps off as ... "I don't know, but I don't think it's cancer related."

Time for Healing

I thought I was letting go of the past and all the anger I have about it, but it's still there. It became even more apparent when I asked my ex to help with funds for his daughter to have gas, tolls, parking and eating at the parks today. That went over well, and I yelled at him for the first time in a very long time. Not like when we split, but I am still upset he got me to that point. Well... I allowed myself to get to that point.

I've been sick more than I have been well since the New Year started. I looked at my Louise Hay "Heal your Body" and this is what I saw. The problem is first. The affirmations are as follows.

Bronchitis - Inflamed family environment. Arguments yelling. Sometimes silent.
"I declare peace and harmony within me and all around me. All is well."


Colds - Too much going on at once. Mental confusion, disorder. Small hurts.
"I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony, within me and around me. All is well."


Coughs - A desire to bark at the world. "See me! Listen to me!"
"I am noticed and appreciated in the most positive ways. I am loved."

I'm alone in the house today. Meg took Danny to Disney for his birthday. Rich left early for work. I pulled out my long-lost Angel cards. They used to help me stay focused in times of pain. I'm not sure why I abandoned them. I was looking for a pack of tissues in one of my drawers and found a small amber bottle of anointed oil that I was given when diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I did the sign of the cross with that oil on my throat, chest, then my forehead and sat down with my cards. I clumsily mixed them with my eyes closed, waiting until it felt right to stop. When my hand was no longer able to move, I drew the first card.

New Beginnings
Card Meaning - A clean slate is presented to you as you now encounter fresh opportunities and novel experiences.

There are deeper explanations for these cards that really helped me. But I don't want to type all that!

The second card was

Support
Card Meaning - God, the Angels, and the Ascended Masters who love, protect, and guide you are watching over you right now. You are not alone, and you are safe!

The third card

Healing
Card Meaning- A situation that has caused you concern is on the mend. You are a natural healer, and healing thoughts have manifested into form.


... And I felt the need to draw a forth

Divine Guidance
Card Meaning - Trust and follow your intuition. It is God and the Angels speaking to you.

Time for new thoughts, new visions and a new life! Opening my heart and my mind, HEALING!

Tears

Been crying off and on all week. My heart is breaking for a friend in hospice, regretting things I should have done. I feel so bad for Chris and Liz who have been best friends with her since childhood, and for her family who is suffering watching her suffer.

Selfishly this has been a wake up call for me. I have been so wrapped up in focusing on my problems and with this  marathon divorce I have lost the happy go lucky positive person I used to be.  I'm sick of being sick. I've been blaming the meds I am on, but I know it's mostly all me. I have to get back on a good mental and physical track. The depression I fight has some to do with it, but I have always been able to overcome. I just simply gave up the last several years.

I just wrote on Ellen's show page for survivors and broke down in tears again. I had to answer questions about my illness and give advice for someone about to start treatment. It hit me hard about how low my life has sunk and how I have allowed my life to move so off course! I used to be told I was amazing. I used to be there for women newly diagnosed. I used to talk to the other cancer patients while getting my treatments.
Now, I've pushed so many out of my life. I avoid people. I am a homebody. I sit and stay to myself in the IV room. Again, part of it is depression and losing my positive focus, but lately it's gotten to be I am ashamed of myself. My teeth are a mess from chemo and radiation and I'm ashamed to smile and laugh. I still can't find a dentist to help me. I have become so heavy and don't feel comfortable in clothes. I won't buy new clothes because I tell myself I will when I lose weight. I am ashamed to go out because I have no clothes to wear! Vicious circle I tell ya. I don't feel well and am tired all the time. If I exercised and ate right I would feel better. I over eat and don't eat the right foods because I have come to realize food comforts me. If I don't break these horrendous cycles I will never heal! I know what I need to do to get better, it's finding the motivation ... no, the mental strength to get there.

I have LIFE. Something I was told I was going to lose years ago. I want more than this. I want to start LIVING life. So many years in that chemo room I began to block out the pain and suffering that goes on there. Chris C's battle is more personal and has unblocked a reality to just how fragile life is.

Reading back over this, I even ramble in circles. No wonder I'm always dizzy.

well... I'm still married.

We settled out of court. I don't like the settlement, but it seemed I had not much choice so I could keep insurance a bit longer. I modified a few things that I could, but basically I'm f*cked for life.
I was shocked when I went to sign the papers and found out he agreed to stay married for 5 years. Well, actually I knew that part. What I found out is he agreed to have to keep his job and not move out of state for 5 years! Something in me knew he really never wanted to move to CA. I'm pretty much screwed on alimony and definitely screwed on insurance after 5 years. Lets pray if there is a national health care, that is it better than medicaid! ugh. If he breaks our contract either by getting himself fired or BR letting him go for financial reasons, all bets are off on this contract and we go to court and permanent alimony, paying for my health care, all back legal costs and everything I wanted are back on the table.

My head is still spinning. I'm mentally wiped out. But in some ways there is somewhat of a relief the legal crap is over.

oh good gawd ...

Just found out Meg has a casting tomorrow morning in South Beach. Another 6 hour round trip plus wait time. My body aches and I am so tired. I'm going to bed extra early tonight, though I haven't slept good in I don't know how long. I pray I sleep tonight. Her castings are so hard not only on my body but financially too. She can't make it if I don't do this, and I would do anything for her and Zack.

Discombobfuckulation

I can't think straight. Not only do I have way too much on my mind, I have been dealing with constant neck and head aches. Money is a constant struggle, but thank God we make it each week. I put a lot of time and effort (and unfortunately stress) into figuring everything down to the penny to make sure we have what we need. The economy is f'ing with Rich's job and I am still struggling since my support was cut by a huge amount.

I worry Faery Wings won't do well with everyone in the country struggling to make ends meet. But I have a good feeling about it. I am almost done, I just need a bit more money for the payment processing and a few other things and it will be up. I changed the design many, many times. I went away from the clean stark white and went with earth tones. My design and coding skills are limited so I tend to get very frustrated.

After probably 20 different banner designs, I ended up with almost the same thing I had before, but with different colors. lol

Once I make a bit of income I will be able to add things I have created myself which Faery Wings will end up being more towards that. But it takes money. I have a plan... but need to learn patience! That has never been a virtue of mine. :p Meanwhile all my plans get jumbled up into a clusterfuck in my head. I got away from journaling and I really need to get back to a private one to keep all my ideas from colliding in my head. I am designing Faery Wings to have a journal so I can introduce new things when they happen. It will also have an RSS feed to alert new stock. I haven't decided if I'll keep the guestbook. I thought of having that instead of product reviews. I will also have a favorite links area to cross link some of my favorite places. ( like Rockangel's gorgeous faery art)
My goal is for the site to be up in the next couple of weeks. I know I sound grumpy and down, but actually I'm not. Just sheer frustration and exhaustion from trying to get the business going. I pretty much had to start from scratch from when I closed it before. Licensing, tax ID's ... everything.

Other than that and being broke things are going really well. I have come across so many of my old high school buds on Facebook. Every week I get more requests. Not only is there my old high school group, but there is even a group from my old neighborhood! Soooo many good friends I lost touch with. One has a house on the beach on an island near Charleston and a real estate business to rent out more. A group is gonna try and get together this summer up there. He asked me to come. I really think I'd like that. I also got an invite to go to New Jersey late summer to get together with my long time buds that run the WMA. I love those guys so much. I'd like to do that too. Rich wants to go to Boston this summer too. I don't think I've been there since the Lord of the Rings Exhibit. Wait ...was that one before the Star Wars exhibit? I went for both. I'm such a nerd. lol
My business needs to do really well or else I soooooooo need to win the lottery! doh!

My babies are doing great. Most of the stress that has plagued us in the last year has been lifted. Zack no longer has stomach issues. He is constantly busy! I told him today as he ran out for work after walking in the door from school I needed some Zack and mom time. We need to just go have fun. Apparently Meg saw him laughing and having a good time with two girls after the movie the other night. He hasn't done a lot of socializing since Michael moved in. I was glad he is back to going out. Mike is more of a homebody and I told Zack he didn't have to be one too.

Meg has a new boyfriend who is so much less needy. I think she was suffocating with the other. Plus the stress of his hormones that she wanted nothing to do with. I do miss him though. We talked a lot. I tried to get him to understand. :-/ Her new guy is talkative, funny, likes to act like she does, and gives her space! His parents are awesome.

Meg's new best friend is exactly like her too. The two of them together is just plain scary. They giggle about everything! I love Cassidy's mom and we have become good friends. The four of us spent a day at Cocoa Village and had a blast. She calls me her long lost twin. I can't wait to get together again. I just wish I had more money so she and I could go do girls night out together. We have a date next week though! lol

Romeo had another seizure the other day. This is his 4th in about 3 1/2 years, which isn't a lot, but since his sister died from them it has me worried. All I can do is comfort him till he comes out of them. Tina spent so much money on Cocoa and there isn't really anything you can do. My friend Diana also spent a fortune on seizure meds for her Yorkie and he still had them. I feel helpless about it at times. It scares the crap out of me when he is going through one.

Anyway, gotta go make dinner then I'm going to lay down and veg probably put in a movie ...

Spa Delight

My friend at the spa had given me a couple gift cards a few months back. I had thought of all kinds of ways to use them. When I couldn't get Zack and Rich in at our usual salon because they were booked so full, I decided to treat them to cuts at the spa with part of the GC's. It was tough getting them in there too, but luckily their evenings are a bit slower than day. Rich enjoyed free beer they have on tap for clients. He said the receptionist was helping herself to the free wine. lol We all used to do that from time to time when I worked there. The girl gave them great head massages with their shampoos. They came home happy and both enjoyed the experience. I was afraid the spa would lose business with so many opening in the area, but it seems to be doing very well.

I wish my body would co operate because I would love to work there again. But I don't think that is going to happen. I am working on detoxifying and building strength, but I have so many factors fighting any progression I make. As long as I work on it I hope to not get worse. The meds (and stress) have taken a big toll. I have to work twice as hard, and rest more often than before. I am determined to not let it take me down. Since I can't do physical work at a job, I am going to reopen my business. I found new avenues to take with it. I hope it works better this time.

I think I'll book some girl time at the spa for me and Meg now ...

;)

Trying to get it together...

Making Strides is coming up. I'm trying to get a team together. This is the logo I made that will go on the team shirts. Knowing me I will probably change or tweak it before they are made... I'm never happy with what I do...





I'll be reopening Faery Wings soon and put that as a sponsor on the back of the shirt. A few recent events have made me realize I was too depressed to promote it, and I have a few doors opening.

I am also going to be doing some volunteer work for the Cancer Foundation. They are amazingly nice women who work there and gave me great information to get the help I need. Zack and Meg are going there this week to get volunteer hours. When I get a little money I'm going to donate items from Faery Wings for their auction.

It's past due time for a PET scan. I put it off because the co pay has gone up so high. But I need to get it done.

I'm so tired today. We all are. Just having a lazy day at home today after such a crazy busy day yesterday. I've been putting cold tea compresses and aloe on Zacks sunburn. My poor baby boy. Meg and Rich have headaches from all the crazy rides they went on. Serves them right for being such daredevils. lol I'm thankful Rich loves to ride roller coasters. I used to love them, but chemo has fucked my body up and I get sick as hell with most any motion now. I even had to sit in the stationary seats in Shrek 4D. I've become pathetic.

Thank God for Chris. We sat in air conditioning and sipped drinks while the daredevils played. Thank goodness for the wimpy rides too so I could have some excitement. Thank you Chris for such a great birthday gift. We had a blast. You are an amazing friend. It was exactly what I needed. Another huge thank you goes to your friend who got us VIP passes. It was so awesome to be able to go to the front of the line and not have to wait for anything! When people would look at us with our badges I kept thinking I would tell them Meg was a FORD model. (well she is!) lol I wish my camera wasn't broken so I could have some pictures of the day... especially when we were under Hulk looking up and Rich and Meg upside down! I had a great time and can't WAIT till Harry Potterland (or whatever they are going to call it) opens "next fall". lol

I hope we didn't wear you out too bad. I know I zoned out a few times, and didn't think I'd make it. But after our rests in air conditioning I felt better. I'll probably be in bed most of tomorrow too. But it's a price I'm willing to pay for having such a blast.

crawling back in bed...

I don't feel good at all. I can't even swallow. Not only is my throat sore, but when I swallow it hurts the left side of my face ... especially my ear. I am completely drained. I may get in the shower and just let the hot water run over me first. That should soothe my aching body. I wish I had a big tub to soak in.

tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrred

I am in complete exhaustion mode. For a normal person, what I have done in the past week would be normal routine. For my weak body, it's overkill. I need to build strength before I have none left. :/

uuuuggghh... I feel like crap...

I was already exhausted. The long drive to Hilton Head in spring breakers and snowbirds heading back up north after Easter traffic, and quick one day vacation before heading home about killed me. We did have fun though.

We pretty much hung out on the beach all day Saturday. It was beautiful. Dolphins were playing just offshore for hours. The beach up there is just gorgeous. I was going back and forth between being under an umbrella and not. I just can't handle the sun like I used to. We went on a really long walk with my sister and her husband. We came really close to walking the 2 miles down the beach to my parents other condo, but turned around with about a half mile to go. I love the beach better at that condo, but love the area and marina and actual condo unit better at the new place. They are looking at buying a huge 2 story condo there at Shelter Cove. My cousins rented it last summer when we all got together. It was beyond amazing. I hope they get it. Rich, the kids and I are going back this summer and then again at Christmas next year.

Anyway, back to being on the beach. We went back after taking a break for lunch. We were just being lazy relaxing in the sun talking and laughing when a cool breeze started blowing. It was refreshing in the hot sun. Out of nowhere the wind kicked up whipping sand. It was ice cold! People were running gathering there things, umbrellas were flying down the beach, everyone packed up and left. I was amused with the chaos and noticed Rich and my sister still sitting also wrapped in their towels and not moving. After about 10 minutes of being battered I asked my sister what she wanted to do. She said she didn't care she was fine staying. We were all covered in goosebumps and it was getting colder by the second. I thought.... I asked the wrong person. I then asked Rich what he wanted to do. He said ...let's go. I suggested the hot tub back at the condo. They liked that idea. Steve met up with us at the hot tub. We stayed there and talked for quite a while. After that we showered and went down to the shops and ate at the Mexican place on the harbor. It was great food. Then we bundled up wanting to continue enjoying our only day there and walked to boardwalk area. It wouldn't have been so cold if the wind wasn't so strong...lol. We had a blast anyway. Rich even found a hard to find car for his Pixar Cars collection. We are like two kids in a toy store. :p We went back up to the condo and sat with Val and Steve chatting for hours before we all were so exhausted we went to bed.

On the drive home Sunday I got to drive my new car. I hated not being with Rich but we had fun following each other and talked on the phone alot. We stopped at the outlet mall in St. Augustine to see what they had on sale. I love the curtains my mom bought me from there and wanted to find some for my living room. We ended up wandering the whole mall. We get distracted easily. When we got back to Brevard we stopped at a car wash and washed and vacuumed my dad's car and my new one. We dropped by my parents house and thanked them for letting me use their
car so much. By the time we got home my babies were already there. It was good to be home. They love my new (used) car and Zack is thrilled to have my Grand Am. :)

Rich came home from work yesterday with a stomach bug. Now on top of being exhausted I am feeling queasy and my stomach hurts bad. I saw what he went though. I hope mine doesn't get that bad!!!

not feeling well ...

I really need to make a doctors appointment when I get back from SC. I haven't felt right for almost two weeks now. I also didn't react well to my last chemo treatment. I am so fatigued, bloated to where my face looks freaky and I can't wear my rings. I feel like I am breathing through a tube, and my blood feels like it is racing through my body. :-/ On top of that my ankle never healed from when I fell out of the attic a few months back. It has a big swollen knot that grows and shrinks depending on how much I am on it.

The thought of driving 6 hours each way for such a short time is making me tired thinking about it. But I'm excited to get a new (used) car to drive. I hope my son gets a job soon to pay the insurance on my car that I am giving him. Gawd I hate freakin about how I'm going to pay for things.

Doh!

They can't fit me in for chemo until Thursday now. My days are all screwed up. I can't keep anything straight. The extra class and chemo were tomorrow, so I still needed to reschedule, but they are too damn busy! I forgot all the snowbirds transfer their treatments down here for the winter. I always schedule a month or two in advance... but when you have to change sometimes it easy... sometimes it's impossible. Lots of sick people in this area.

I may take Zack and Meg, then go do something fun in Melbourne afterward.

Affirmation thoughts for today ...


My life is a joy filled with love, fun and friendship all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open.

I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

I am at peace

I trust in the process of life

When I believe in myself, so do others

I am my own unique self - special, creative and wonderful

The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful

Loving myself heals my life. I nourish my mind, body and soul


I sent these to a friend, but I don't think they helped. :-/

The look of Fear

I found out over the weekend a friend of mine's cancer is back. I just ran into her a few months ago and she was doing great. Last weekend, I saw her with her husband and son in Panera. She told me she was optimistic, but I could see the fear in her eyes. I know she hates being on chemo again. Being sick, hair falling out, not knowing if you are going to live or die. It really sucks. She is also stage 4.

She is on steroids this time and not reacting well to them. They were able to cut her dose in half. I told her I also had effects from them, but luckily they didn't make me sick. They made my face fat and round, put 35 pounds on me, made me irritable ... and many other things. I'm not sure why you have to have them along with some forms of chemo, but I told her if I ever have to do it again... I am refusing it. Give me the chemo ... but fuck steroids. Fuck anything that isn't being put in me to fight the disease. I can't even take a Benedryl anymore when I have an allergic reaction to something because they gave me a high dose IV bag of the crap for over a year "in case I had a reaction to Herceptin". When the reactions to Benedryl got worse, I was able to get a half dose. After a few times, I couldn't even take that. They finally cut it out completely. After about 6 months of being off of it, I got a bug bite and took a Benedryl tablet. I went nuts ... bad reaction. About a year ago, I had a weird rash and my doctor gave me some pills to help. I forgot to mention my problem. They had some antihistamine in it similar to the one in Benedryl and again... reaction.

Anyway... I totally got off the subject here. I can't get the look in her eyes out of my head. As we were talking, Rich and her husband were talking. I looked over at him to say something, and he had that same terrified look in his eyes. He just looked so lost. I looked at their son, who is the same age as Zack, and he also had pain in his eyes. I've often told Zack to talk to him. They have been through a lot of the same things.

I really need to do something for her.

Just a few things ...

... going on the past few days. The kids were with their dad this past weekend and Rich and I were trying to get some more stuff done around here. With 4 furry animals, 5 birds and 2 teens ... cleaning is a constant battle. I used to be meticulously clean and even vacuumed daily. Let's just say with all the stress of the past few years I kinda lost the gumption to keep the house spotless. My parents were over again to help us steam clean the carpets. I answered the door and my dad had a handmade sign on his chest saying "maid service". I died laughing. They have been so much help to me. Later while my mom was bent over cleaning in the laundry room he taped it to her butt. I ran and got the camera. I just love Kodak moments! *laughs*

After they left Rich and I put more mulch down in the front flower beds ...(thanks mom and dad!) Then finally put the lighted reindeer and spiral tree out front. It looks so good with the white icicle lights on the roof, green in the low bushes that border the walkway and front flowerbed, and multi color wrapping the two palms in front of the window. It love it! So festive.

The bad news is when I was coming down from the attic I was facing forward and missed the last step or two and came down hard on my ankle. It was late afternoon Sunday and I didn't want to waste my money on the emergency room... so we elevated it and kept it packed in ice. It seemed to feel much better today so I sat at the computer to work. My foot felt like it was throbbing and cold like it was sitting in ice, but I kept ignoring it. By the time I paid attention it looked as if a golf ball was under my skin. Rich came home from work and brought me to the urgent care center to be x-rayed. Luckily it's not broken. I had to get a shot and they gave me pain pills. I was supposed to go buy a boot they wrote a prescription for but my insurance was gonna make me go all the way down to Hibiscus. I decided not to waste my time or money. I'll just stay off my feet for the next few days. Which will be tough for me.

I am really wanting a laptop right now too! I so need to get more done on my site. I have to finish meta tags on each item and I have been researching better ways (and free ways) to promote my site. I had 3 decent sales over the weekend and that got me majorly pumped to get more. The money I made has to stay in the paypal account because in January I have my site renewals and it will take pretty much all of it. I probably won't see a dime for a while because I need to reinvest to make more. But I am really feeling like my dream will be coming true in the very near future.

I can't wait. I want to give my babies the life they deserve. They have put up with so much in their lives and are the most wonderful loving kids I have ever met. We have always been so close and I have always treated them with the utmost respect. I never hide anything from them and have always explained everything going on in our lives. I was taught this from experts when I was diagnosed with cancer. They said it was so much better to be upfront then to leave them wondering and thinking things are worse. I really believe that is why they handled this divorce with such ease. So many kids are left in the dark about situations in their lives because a terribly misinformed parent thinks it's best to hide the truth from them. Then they are left thinking things are their fault and end up emotionally scarred. I find that very sad. My kids are well informed and able to make their own choices. Other than me and my husband having our own issues with each other and a few battles have broken out, things have gone very well. The kids love their dad very much and accept that there will be times we don't get along.

Anyway, I am very much looking forward to Christmas even though I am poorer than I have ever been in my life. I found ways to get the kids the things they want. (one way was to use money I got as a gift) I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather be a bit behind in bills then to disappoint the two most precious things in the world to me. Rich and I decided not to exchange presents because of lack of funds. But I will definitely find a way to have a little something under the tree for him. I had to tell friends I couldn't exchange this year and they were all understanding... as was my huge family who are all coming in on the 27th. It will be a blast having everyone together. My mom said when everyone is together we are going to discuss going on a cruise next Christmas as our gift. :) Sounds good to me!

Health Update

First I want to thank Rich for being by my side night and day the past two days to make sure I was ok. It was a very scary ordeal and I don't know what I would do without you.

Thank you Chris for your concern! I will let you know if that is what it turns out to be.

I still don't have all the answers but the one thing I do know is I have two different issues going on. For the pain in my abdomen of course, like I feared... I have to go through testing. The continuous blacking out and being incoherent was because my blood pressure dropped to extremely dangerous low levels.

I am a mess. It's always something. But hey... I'm alive.

Scary Night

I woke up last night with a severe burning pain in my upper abdomen just below my breastbone. I felt like I had to either throw up or have diarrhea. I went to the bathroom and neither would come out. The pain got more and more intense... like someone was shoving a sword fresh from the fire in me. I was sweating, and my head got all woozy. I kept passing out. At one point, I found myself wedged between the toilet and the wall. I tried with all my strength to call for help... I have no idea if I did or not.

I tried to pull it together and get back to bed. I don't know how long it took or how many times I crashed into things and fell... but Rich heard all the noise and by that time I had made it to bed. I thought I was in bed.... but only partially on and lying at the foot of it. He kept yelling... what's wrong, what's wrong? I thought I was talking to him, but he could barely make out my slurred words. I was drenched in sweat. The pain was sickening. Again I was in and out of consciousness. He was so freaked out, but I didn't want anything but to lie still. No doctor, definitely not the ER. He laid by me and I could feel him checking on me constantly all night. The pain subsided after a while. I have no idea how long. I had no idea this had all happened around midnight until he told me.

My stomach still doesn't feel right. I have been scouring the web for info. It may be an ulcer... who knows? People think I'm nuts not calling the doctor. But if you have been through what I have been through you would know they will order a battery of tests (more for me because of the cancer) and I just can't mentally and physically handle that right now. We will see how I feel in a few hours...