Deliciously Evil

I cannot wait to see Sweeney Todd this weekend! Meg and I have been counting down the days. She wants to see it because she loves Johnny Depp. I love it because I fell in love with the Sweeney Todd story back in high school. I saw it with Angela Lansbury and thought... wow ... this is one twisted tale! I love Stephen Sondheim music, Tim Burton movies, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman... I am going to be in heaven!

I can't wait... I can't wait... I can't wait!

Just a few things ...

... going on the past few days. The kids were with their dad this past weekend and Rich and I were trying to get some more stuff done around here. With 4 furry animals, 5 birds and 2 teens ... cleaning is a constant battle. I used to be meticulously clean and even vacuumed daily. Let's just say with all the stress of the past few years I kinda lost the gumption to keep the house spotless. My parents were over again to help us steam clean the carpets. I answered the door and my dad had a handmade sign on his chest saying "maid service". I died laughing. They have been so much help to me. Later while my mom was bent over cleaning in the laundry room he taped it to her butt. I ran and got the camera. I just love Kodak moments! *laughs*

After they left Rich and I put more mulch down in the front flower beds ...(thanks mom and dad!) Then finally put the lighted reindeer and spiral tree out front. It looks so good with the white icicle lights on the roof, green in the low bushes that border the walkway and front flowerbed, and multi color wrapping the two palms in front of the window. It love it! So festive.

The bad news is when I was coming down from the attic I was facing forward and missed the last step or two and came down hard on my ankle. It was late afternoon Sunday and I didn't want to waste my money on the emergency room... so we elevated it and kept it packed in ice. It seemed to feel much better today so I sat at the computer to work. My foot felt like it was throbbing and cold like it was sitting in ice, but I kept ignoring it. By the time I paid attention it looked as if a golf ball was under my skin. Rich came home from work and brought me to the urgent care center to be x-rayed. Luckily it's not broken. I had to get a shot and they gave me pain pills. I was supposed to go buy a boot they wrote a prescription for but my insurance was gonna make me go all the way down to Hibiscus. I decided not to waste my time or money. I'll just stay off my feet for the next few days. Which will be tough for me.

I am really wanting a laptop right now too! I so need to get more done on my site. I have to finish meta tags on each item and I have been researching better ways (and free ways) to promote my site. I had 3 decent sales over the weekend and that got me majorly pumped to get more. The money I made has to stay in the paypal account because in January I have my site renewals and it will take pretty much all of it. I probably won't see a dime for a while because I need to reinvest to make more. But I am really feeling like my dream will be coming true in the very near future.

I can't wait. I want to give my babies the life they deserve. They have put up with so much in their lives and are the most wonderful loving kids I have ever met. We have always been so close and I have always treated them with the utmost respect. I never hide anything from them and have always explained everything going on in our lives. I was taught this from experts when I was diagnosed with cancer. They said it was so much better to be upfront then to leave them wondering and thinking things are worse. I really believe that is why they handled this divorce with such ease. So many kids are left in the dark about situations in their lives because a terribly misinformed parent thinks it's best to hide the truth from them. Then they are left thinking things are their fault and end up emotionally scarred. I find that very sad. My kids are well informed and able to make their own choices. Other than me and my husband having our own issues with each other and a few battles have broken out, things have gone very well. The kids love their dad very much and accept that there will be times we don't get along.

Anyway, I am very much looking forward to Christmas even though I am poorer than I have ever been in my life. I found ways to get the kids the things they want. (one way was to use money I got as a gift) I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather be a bit behind in bills then to disappoint the two most precious things in the world to me. Rich and I decided not to exchange presents because of lack of funds. But I will definitely find a way to have a little something under the tree for him. I had to tell friends I couldn't exchange this year and they were all understanding... as was my huge family who are all coming in on the 27th. It will be a blast having everyone together. My mom said when everyone is together we are going to discuss going on a cruise next Christmas as our gift. :) Sounds good to me!

Funny ...

My sister sent this to me knowing how much I love Disney, Mother Goose and Grimm and all things twisted. I love this!

I found some more ...

** ok... side note here... Price Charming was only with Snow White and Cinderella. Prince Phillip was with Aurora (aka Sleeping Beauty.) That would only make him a bigamist. **

Exhausted!

We decided to work on the plant ledges. We had already done the ones in the main rooms and kids rooms last week. I didn't think it would be a problem doing the ledge in my room. It didn't take all that long.... but I decided I didn't like the little shelf on my bathroom wall anymore. My dad went to patch it and we realized we no longer had that color paint to cover the patch. I hated the color anyway. I have been waiting 15 years for my room to get painted the way I want it.

My parents left and Rich and I wanted to cover the green wall so we grabbed the paint we used in Zack's room. We ended up doing my whole bathroom. Zack helped alot. Rich did most of the work. It's not the color I want, but we needed a base to begin with. It looks so good! I am going to go pick out paint for my room and we are going to get it done next week! :) I already have paint for the kids bathroom. I've had it for about 3 years now. I'm going to try and get that done too.

The kids have been so awesome in helping to get this house in shape for the holidays. On top of the painting and cleaning we have been decorating for Christmas. The kids are amazed with how many angels and little Santa figurines from around the world I have collected. I made them get them all out of the individual boxes. Meg kept saying... are you sure you want to put them all out? lol

My back really hurts, I was nearly in tears from the arthritis in my hand holding the paintbrush to do the trim ... but at least I am motivated. This house definitely needs an energy change and a bit of a pick me up. :)

Health Update

First I want to thank Rich for being by my side night and day the past two days to make sure I was ok. It was a very scary ordeal and I don't know what I would do without you.

Thank you Chris for your concern! I will let you know if that is what it turns out to be.

I still don't have all the answers but the one thing I do know is I have two different issues going on. For the pain in my abdomen of course, like I feared... I have to go through testing. The continuous blacking out and being incoherent was because my blood pressure dropped to extremely dangerous low levels.

I am a mess. It's always something. But hey... I'm alive.

Scary Night

I woke up last night with a severe burning pain in my upper abdomen just below my breastbone. I felt like I had to either throw up or have diarrhea. I went to the bathroom and neither would come out. The pain got more and more intense... like someone was shoving a sword fresh from the fire in me. I was sweating, and my head got all woozy. I kept passing out. At one point, I found myself wedged between the toilet and the wall. I tried with all my strength to call for help... I have no idea if I did or not.

I tried to pull it together and get back to bed. I don't know how long it took or how many times I crashed into things and fell... but Rich heard all the noise and by that time I had made it to bed. I thought I was in bed.... but only partially on and lying at the foot of it. He kept yelling... what's wrong, what's wrong? I thought I was talking to him, but he could barely make out my slurred words. I was drenched in sweat. The pain was sickening. Again I was in and out of consciousness. He was so freaked out, but I didn't want anything but to lie still. No doctor, definitely not the ER. He laid by me and I could feel him checking on me constantly all night. The pain subsided after a while. I have no idea how long. I had no idea this had all happened around midnight until he told me.

My stomach still doesn't feel right. I have been scouring the web for info. It may be an ulcer... who knows? People think I'm nuts not calling the doctor. But if you have been through what I have been through you would know they will order a battery of tests (more for me because of the cancer) and I just can't mentally and physically handle that right now. We will see how I feel in a few hours...

Angels

Staying Motivated

I figured out an easier way to sort the products for the catalog and sort out what I want together. Yes, I am a dork.... but hey... I'm learning as I go. I can't wait till it's done. It frustrates me that getting this business together is taking so long. Lack of funds has been one issue and I put it aside almost giving up at one time. But something in me keeps telling me to push forward. I think once the catalog is done and adding the home parties will give it the boost it needs. Then I will have money for online ads and local advertising. You have to even pay Google and Yahoo to feature your website. Things will come together soon enough... I'm hoping just after everyone gets over the Christmas shock and is ready to start buying again.

Immaturity

It's really hard to work out real problems when you deal with complete and utter immaturity. Someone that doesn't listen to a word you have to say. Someone that just says evil hurtful things because he wants to cause pain. Talks over what he doesn't want to hear or can't handle. I know he does these things out of deep guilt. He has to live with what he has done and is still doing. I have always and will always do what is best for my children. I will never keep them from him or make them think less of him. He knows he has made a bad choice. He is seeing the truth and doesn't want to believe.

If showing them the truth is so bad... too bad.

Life goes on.

Escape from Catalogs

I have made myself a crazy person from trying to put this catalog together for Faery Wings. (... wait... I already was a crazy person) So, I decided to take a break and play with Photoshop for a little while this afternoon. Hence, the new banner. For some reason playing in Photoshop for no particular reason... just to see what comes out of my brain is fun.

Using photoshop for this damn catalog when I have no freakin clue what I am doing and being overwhelmed with thousands of images isn't fun. I have resorted to printing out my contact sheets of products, cutting them out and trying to figure out what I want grouped together. Do I want all alike items together? Do I want it more like decorating and have what matches with what together? Or a mixture of both? Right now I am attempting the mixture of both. I am starting with the smallest group and have bath and body, baskets and bathroom decor images all over my bed with a notebook to try to figure things out in. Then I will set everything up on the computer. There has to be an easier way... but since I am learning as I go... it's freaking taking me forever!!!! ugh ... just like setting up the website did. I still have changes to make on that and I learned better ways to set up the meta tags so Google products can find them easier. *sigh* My brain is going to freakin explode.

The Attack ...

... of Uno.

omg... that game is so much fun! I was looking for our old Uno cards and couldn't find them, so I sent Zack and Meg to the store to buy the Uno Attack I saw on sale. It definitely makes the game more fun. I have problems with my lungs, especially when I laugh hard, so I was pretty much coughing up a lung the whole time. I don't know how he did it, but Zack won all but one game. I lost because I went over 500 first. He ended up with 27. No fair. It didn't help that I was between Rich and Meg and both were giving the mean cards to me.

This is definitely going to a blast when all my sisters and their families cram into both my and my mom's houses this Christmas. I think I get the nieces and nephews. Ash and her hubby of 1 year, Les, Kristina and Jonathan.

We also have alot of fun with the Scene It games. We have a few different versions. Last night we played Disney Trivia and of course I think I am the master of that. Meg beat me. :-P We all decided we would never beat Chris ... lol I guess when we play with her it will be us as a team against her. That may work. ;)

Turkey and movies

Had a stomach virus over Thanksgiving so no turkey dinner for me this year. My mom and dad brought me home a plate but I haven't eaten it yet. Maybe I'll have it for lunch today. I'm feeling alot better and pray kids don't catch this.

I'm hoping to get Christmas decorations down this weekend and clean out the attic at the same time. There is so much junk up there I will either have another garage sale or just toss it.

I finally got to watch Hairspray. What an adorable movie! Meg and I laid on my bed last night and watched it. I see now why she loves it so much. :) We also picked up the new Die Hard. It was as good or better than the other 3. I am a huge Die Hard fan (die hard Die Hard fan?... lol) and was definitely not disappointed. :)

Furry and Feathery

I have posted a few pics of my furry and feathery babies on this blog, but I decided to add my favorite pictures of them.

Romeo looks his best right after going to the groomer. The rest of the time he looks like a character from the Muppets!

This is Princess Figaro. We were mouse-sitting Cheato for a weekend and Fig was checking him out. Notice the priceless look on Cheato's face! Little does he know Fig is too prissy to eat a mouse. lol

Thumper is my baby. She calms me when I am upset. I call her "Sumpy" and that is one of the words Enzo says constantly.

This is my Thumpy when she was a baby!

This is Harley Davidson. He is supposed to be Rich's cat, but Harley loves me and Meg best. He is a psycho kitty and the complete opposite of Fig. They make me laugh when they chase each other around the house. One minute one will be chasing then they switch. I laughed my ass off (and wished I had a video camera on) when Fig was lounging under my coffee table and Harley snuck up behind her and gently touched his paw on her back as if saying "Tag! You're it!"

Bath time! That is Enzo aka Chicken Nugget in the back. Then Franco, Isabella (Izzy), Gypsy and Wrong Way. they are also a great source of entertainment and always seem to make me laugh. Enzo says all kinds of things and seems to only imitate things I say. Must be my wacko voice and the fact I talk baby talk alot. Franco tries his best to whistle the Andy Griffith tune but always screws it up. lol

This is Franco and Izzy with all their babies. We gave Spike to Zack's friend Chris, and Baby to my friend Bobbie Jo. I get to bird-sit Baby all the time. He loves coming back to see his family. I get to see Spike all the time because Chris's mom is one of my best friends. They brought him over for a family reunion a couple of weeks ago. :)

Franco and Izzy ignored the first egg to hatch. I took the baby and put together a homemade incubator for it. I hand fed it every two hours round the clock for 36 hours. It didn't make it. I should have taken it from them the minute I noticed them not taking care of it, but had hoped parental instincts would take over. They did well with each of the others. Each egg hatches every few days. It was an amazing experience to help raise these babies!

This is Bennie (RIP). She was such a sweet bunny. We didn't know when we got her that she was sick. We had her for more than a year. I did alot of research on her disease and did the best I could for her. I know Enzo misses breakfast with her.

This is my little dwarf hamster Pixie. After having him about a week I realized he too was sick. I took him to the vet and found out he had diabetes. I found a website online and found out what to and not to feed him. Instead of commercial hamster food I would go to the health food store and mix up my own recipe for him. Pix lasted almost 2 years. (RIP)

This is Bob the stray we have fed everyday for years. He still won't come near us but we love him dearly anyway.

Our new stray. I think he is scaring Bob away. I have to figure out what to do about that. We haven't named him yet but he is a sweetie. I am ridding him of his fleas and ticks and he seems much happier. :)

Isn't he cute???? We always have raccoons visiting trying to steal the kitties food. This one is checking to see if the coast is clear... lol

I love my farm and wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Update

My dad
My dad went into the hospital on Saturday morning. He is going to be ok. It was a warning to take better care of his heart. He had a scare recently with his diabetes so he was already changing his habits, but I think this will change his habits a bit more. He used to golf at least 4 times a week but they quit the country club when they moved on the river. I still haven't figured out why. I think his lack of exercise this past year has not been good.

New cat
The new stray let me approach it yesterday. When I was scratching the back of his neck I noticed ticks and fleas. The poor things skin seemed irritated by the bites. I went in the house and got a tube of Advantage and put it on the back of his neck. When I run to Walmart tomorrow I am going to get a flea and tick spray I found online that should kill the ticks he has and prevent new ones. It will also ward off mosquitoes and gnats. I hope he trusts me enough to spray it on him.... yikes!

Last Weekend
We were supposed to go to a car show on I-Drive on Saturday, but I ended up sitting at the emergency room for a couple of hours. Julz was nice enough to let me come pick up my kids to go see their grandpa on his weekend. I was thankful for that.

We had also already purchased tickets for Beowulf at the IMAX in 3D in Pointe Orlando. I felt guilty but both my mom and dad told us to go. It was amazing. I definitely want to see other movies there. Afterward Chris treated me and Rich to some sushi. It was some of the best I had ever had! The restaurant itself was beautiful and outside were bridges with Koi ponds all around. It was a great night to take some of the stress off.... for a little while anyway.

On Sunday Rich and I decided to work on my room. My big poster bed needed to be moved only about 6 to 8 inches. In order to do that we had to take it apart. It gave me a chance to clean really good. We ended up moving the dressers and everything to get every last dust bunny. By sliding the bed a bit it gave more room for a comfy chair by my bed. I moved my step machine in front of the window where I can look out at the nature preserve or watch the TV. It looks much better and more roomy! We are both sore as hell today, but worth it. (It sucks to be old :-p)

Soon to be ex
I called him today to tell him no more fighting between us. I just couldn't take anymore of his anger and hatred. It was making me not be me. I hated who I had become. The pain, anger, feeling betrayed ... it was just too much to bear.

I'm sure we will have very little to do with each other anymore, and that is probably for the best. I think the kids will suffer the most because I always communicated with him about things going on in their lives, problems with them, and most importantly the good things. I always wanted him to know what was going on because he could give them a different perspective on things than I could. Sometimes they would tell me he talked on and on and they lost sight of his point...lol... but that is how he is. Now he will only know what they chose to share with him... which is so little. He won't get what I talk to their teachers about, problems they are having, anything they wouldn't choose to bring up on their own. But it seems it has to be this way for the best of everyone involved.

I have a big issue right now that I have to make a decision on my own about. He made it clear he didn't want to know. I made sure I saved the emails where I tried to tell him (several times) for when he comes after me about making a major decision without consulting him.

New Male In My Life

Yes, it's true. I have yet another man in my life. As if I didn't have enough already.

*lol*

He is a stray. We already have one stay male cat we feed. We've left food out for Bob for ... I think 4 years or so. Now a new male has shown up. He seems much more tame. Bob still will not come near us after all this time. This new one is much more trusting. We haven't named him yet.

It's so funny because this cat will sit just a couple feet out of Romeo's reach when he is on his chain out back. Today Romeo was barking madly at the cat when he was trying to get to the food we left for him. I ran to get the camera... and Rome stops barking and acting crazy. Isn't that always the case? It makes me nuts. These videos are a bit more boring than what happened before I got the camera. But Romey it so damn cute I am posting them anyway.

Zack was opening the kitchen window. That's what Romeo is looking at.

The Magic of the Kingdom

We spent a marathon day at Disney on Saturday starting at Epcot and ending up in the Magic Kingdom until after midnight. Our dear friend Chris joined us as well as Zack and Meg's friends Lindsey and Michael. My friend Diana was nice enough to let me use her Navigator so we would all fit in one car. I need to get her lazy ass back to Disney with me.

Cute, huh? We were getting ready to head out the door when the girls ran over from Lindsey's house with this stuff on. Zack and I looked at each other and said ... do we have to be seen with them? *hehe* Apparently Kurt had a good morning hitting garage sales. I wish I could find stuff like that! No... the girls didn't wear that to Disney.

I didn't take pics of our day. Not sure why. I usually snap pictures like crazy. Maybe it was because the girls went one way, the boys another and the adults did their own thing. We kept in touch on cell phones but met up periodically through the day to ride stuff together too. It made a great day. :) When we all met up at midnight (except Chris... she wimped out early) ... we were exhausted! No one really wanted a picture but I made them pose anyway... lol. You can't really tell but the view down Main Street was breathtaking. Christmas decorations were already up.

Da girlie girls are always up for a photo opportunity. :)

The pictures Rich was taking during Wishes didn't come out quite as good as this one from another one of our trips. This one is perfection. Rich, Chris and I still watch the show in awe no matter how many times we have seen it. When Tink flew out of the castle I looked at Chris with the biggest smile and said ... I still get chills when I see her. I feel like a big kid. We love WISHES!!!

We made our way back to the car, drove home, crawled into bed with theme park filth still on us... and slept in late the next morning.

How Hallow Was Your Ween?

We had a blast. I can't believe it's taken me this long to post about it. Rich and I sat out on the driveway handing out candy. The house was decorated great. We even had a fog machine going. There were so many kids! There was a non stop herd for almost two hours! It's been a while since we've had one this active and was a refreshing change from the past few years. Neighbors I hadn't talked to in ages stopped to chat and we even reminisced about how when the kids were young we would all walk together pulling a little red wagon with pitchers of Margaritas and beer. lol It definitely made the long walk up and down the cul de sacs more fun while the kids ran door to door.

It was so busy I didn't get to snap good pictures. Here is one of the front of the house. The fog wasn't very heavy in this one.

This is a close up of my boyfriend. He had a black rose in is hand for me, but the kids were goofing off with it when I took this picture.

Romeo was so excited with all the commotion. This is the only picture I took of him and his costume is half hanging off. I'll have to put it on him soon to get a better pic. He is such a cute little Ewok. :) Rich looks mean as hell in this! lol

Of course my Meggie looked adorable! She was a witch and Linds was a faery.

Ok, Zack didn't dress up for Halloween. He and Chris went to see Saw 4 against my better judgement. But there was some drama in the neighborhood and Tina and I wanted the boys to stay out of it. Luckily things cooled down and nothing ended up happening. The boys were back by 7:30 and ended up walking around harassing the girls when they ran into them. lol

The story behind this bag happened a few nights later when I got back from Naples. Zack, Rich and I were putting away the groceries and Zack decided to put this bag over his head. I grabbed it and drew the cute little face on it. When I wasn't looking Zack drew the hand making such a lovely gesture and put it back on. I died laughing.

Being a warped mom, I found it to be a Kodak moment. :p

Me being the witch I am. I was actually just in regular clothes with a witch hat. I colorized this picture for fun.

Naples

Rich and I had an amazing time in Naples. This was Rich's first time there. I've been several times with my kids. My parents own a share of a condo which is where we stayed because they had to come home early and no one was going to be using it for the rest of their week.

It was a fun, busy and relaxing couple of days all in one.

This was the sunset on our first night there. Noel's bands were still in the area and made the sky look ominous! The beach was actually more beautiful in person.




The second night we decided to hang out at the pool. We were so tired from sightseeing all day we just wanted to relax. Here is one view from the pool.



Here was another. My photography is not the best. I was having more fun goofing off. :p



I caught him yawning... lol



I snapped this just before I got in the hot tub with him. You can see my hand in his glasses!



A picture of our feet while lounging enjoying the scenery.



The trees above us.



This is what complete and total exhaustion looks like.

Even with as tired as I was we ended up staying up super late. I had a couple of Sam Adams Black. I fell in love with that beer and I am not a big beer drinker (... or a drinker period.) It has a chocolaty caramel after taste and goes down so smooth. I also fell in love with an Oktoberfest beer that had a pumpkin spice. I can't find it anymore! I was going to stock up. lol :-P

Encouraging Stories ...

On this last day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month I took a break from doing laundry to find this inspiring article sent to me by Rich. I love reading other women's stories of survival. It makes me realize I am not alone and encourages me to strive harder in life.

I know anyone that reads my blogs probably thinks I am a whiner, but the truth is I am far from that. I let my pain out on my blog to keep me from exploding. I talk with new cancer patients quite often to offer my own encouragement to them.

In my livejournal I have been more open about my ups and downs though I don't really write in there anymore. I try my best to write my thoughts down to one day put together a book. On this last day of awareness I am pasting a few livejournal entries. Each on a different level to show the range of emotions that go along with this disease.


strange morning

12:05pm 17/08/2004

mood: morose
music: Dream Theater _ This Dying Soul
I am slowly beginning to despise going into that IV therapy room. I've transformed from someone going in with a smile on my face trying to bring good energy and hope to such a bleak depressing atmosphere, to someone who just wants to forget where she is for a few hours.
I'd always bring a book and never get any reading done because I would talk to the people around me. Now I bring my CD player and book or even my portable DVD player and get lost in a movie. Rarely talking to anyone, blocking out the pain, misery and life being sucked out of everyone around me.
Luckily today no one was moaning or throwing up. One of my favorite nurses brought me in and I got settled in my recliner as she went to get my IV bags. She came back and said there was an order for full blood work on me. As she accessed my port that is surgically embedded under my skin above my right breast, she asked me what was going on. I told her about the health problems I've been having and all the tests I've been going through. I wanted to cry but when she was done and I was hooked up, I put my headphones on and relaxed laying back in my chair. I had my beloved Jekyll and Hyde CD in from the Broadway musical. My mind wandered in so many directions and my eyes kept watering. I fought off tears over and over again. I decided I was to emotional for J&H since it is so close in my heart.
As I was changing CD's, I noticed the elderly man across from me wanted to chat. He was telling me he only had 5 more treatments to go and he had enjoyed his experience because the people are so great. I have to admit, the nurses there are awesome. They keep us giggling and are very sincere in their concern for everyone. He asked how much longer I had with my therapy, I could tell he had been listening to me talk to the nurse. I answered "for the rest of my life". He looked surprised and then sad. One of the nurses made a joke about how I took up residence there. I see people come and go. Some people making it through treatment successfully and we have mini parties for them by popping bubble wrap and cheering them on. Some I watch progressively fading each time I see them until they finally pass on.
The gentleman was finished with his treatment and on his way. I was feeling the need to block out the world again. I had forgotten my book and didn't feel like watching only part of a movie since I now only had a little less than an hour left. I changed CD's and put in Dream Theater. I laid my head back and closed my eyes. My mind again raced to things I didn't want to think about. I opened my eyes and stared at the bag hanging above me watching it drip over and over again, amazed that 2 bags that look like nothing more than water could cost $2000.
Even through the music blasting in my ears I could hear the man next to me snoring loudly. I turned and starting looking around the room at the different faces. The recliners are set up in a long circle. No one looked happy, just bleak, blank expressions. Many were asleep. There were colorful afghans covering almost everyone because it is always so frigid cold in that place. Having Dream Theater setting the tone it was almost morbidly amusing to watch what was going on around me.
I was finally done. I watched the last few drips with anticipation. The nurse flushed my port, removed the needle and I was on my way. The drive home I almost felt numb, my mind almost blank. When I walked in the door of my home I broke down and cried.


hit by a truck...

04:26pm 12/05/2004

mood: depressed
... that's what I feel like. I got yet another call that an old friend has cancer. This makes 4 women I will now be consoling and trying to help them keep a positive outlook in the past few months. One of them, Donna, is dying. She was there for me 8 years ago when I went through my first battle. One day last year she showed up in the chemotherapy room as I was hooked up to IV's and they hooked her up right next to me. I held her hand as she cried and told me how they came to find her cancer that started in her bladder. I don't think she has stopped crying since. She has not been able to let go of the fear and focus on self healing. Her sister calls me in complete frustration about the fact that she does nothing but lay on the couch and cry day in and day out. Her cancer showed clear for a short time but returned with a vengeance. I tried to help... I feel like I have failed her. She said she wished she was as brave as I am. I'm not brave... this fucking disease scares the hell out of me! I fight the fear every day of my life.
Now I found out today that Arlene has it back. Our son's played baseball together the year my cancer came back. We would have long talks about it. She had breast cancer and chose to have a lumpectomy along with chemo. She often wondered if it was enough. Apparently it wasn't. She too found a lump in her neck just like I did. It has spread through her lymph nodes. But hers went a step farther. She has a spot on her lungs. It's really weird because I've lost touch with her and her hubby and I ran into him twice about a month ago. We had fun chats and caught up with what was going on in our lives. Weird coincidence that we got comfortable with each other again now that this has happened. My friend Lori that called me today told me she believes this is what I am meant to do. The chemo nurses have said the same thing to me. What exactly I am supposed to be doing is unclear to me. But knowing these 4 women have seeked my advice, my comfort, and my positive energy still amazes me because in my mind I am still so lost.


Life

10:32am 21/04/2004

mood: optimistic
I need to write more often, but just can't get focused.
I had a great time in Las Vegas. It was like being in "naughty" Disney World. I'm definitely going to try to squeeze a trip in this next year... I wanna go back! Maybe I'll look into taking the kids to the Grand Canyon and staying in Vegas for a day or 2 while we are out there. *ponders this idea*
So much is happening with me right now, it's hard to explain... but I feel good about everything. I think I'm starting to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel I've been in for the past few years. (no... not THAT light... lol)
Good close friends are still by my side even though I tried pushing a few away when I was at my lowest points. I actually had a woman I know socially come up to me the other day and tell me how much she admires me. I was in shock. This woman is on the board of everything and lives in a huge $1 million dollar home. I had another friend tell me the same thing a few days later when I ran into her in a store. My confidence level has been boosted ;)
I love life... I always have. I need to dump all these stupid fears and start being the person I am inside. Cancer and depression will not win.

Just a few days before that last entry I posted this ...

I met a woman when I was up at the school the other day. My son's teacher took her back in the office for a conference. A few minutes later the teacher came out and asked if I had a minute to talk. When I went back with her I found out this woman has a similar situation to mine (cancer). She asked if she could have my number. Well she called me today and we talked for about an hour. She wants to get together and have lunch so we can talk more.


Yes, I know most of these entries are from a few years ago. I've been going through this for years. I write in random places when I feel like it. Most of my things are in hand written journals. It has definitely been a journey. I'm very fortunate to have guardian angels, close friends, a supportive family and my dear babies who's love gave me life. All of which I would have never made it this far. I am also thankful for my estranged husband for caring enough to keep me on his health insurance, without which I would be dead. Though Rich wasn't with me in the hardest of times he keeps me sane now and has shown me unconditional support and love.

I look back on the years and could never be able to put into words what this disease does to a mind, body and soul. I've watched people I know wither away and die... some were close friends. I have had survivor guilt, chemo brain and depression. But I have also had many good things that I am very thankful for come from this. I am in remission and thankful for that IV bag of life I get every 4 weeks. The long term meds have taken a serious toll on my body and my health is not great... but I am alive.

I'm in Ewok Hell ...

I am trying my best to make my Romeo an Ewok costume. I have been struggling with it for the past 2 hours. I have no pattern... just a picture of an Ewok and some brown fabric. I'm definitely no Suzy Homemaker. Even though the seams were aways a mess, I made my kids costumes when they were little or threw together pieces from thrift stores and what we had at home. My kids are teens now and won't let me play and have my fun anymore! :p So I started picking on Rome last year. I dressed as a kitty and he was my punk pup. This year is a bit more challenging.



I sat down on the ground with him to figure out where to cut the face and ear holes in the fabric. This is not an easy task for a dog that has a mind of his own and listens to no commands what so ever! He decided attacking the fabric, rolling around and jumping all over me was more fun than being measured.



By the time I got a face cut out and got it over his head I was trying to trim off excess fabric so it would be easier to work with. He felt it necessary to sniff and try to lick the scissors while I was cutting , all the while turning in circles so I got to the point I didn't know what I was cutting off anymore... (no I didn't cut off his tongue!) Thank gawd Ewoks just wear a raggedy head wrap cape looking thing, because this is not going to be pretty. *laughs* I have to wait for someone to get home to help me hold him still. I also have to figure out how I am going to keep this ON the little brat. *sighs*



Here are a few pictures from last year ...

















Now I'm just waiting until 5 when everyone is home. We will be carving pumpkins tonight. I'm so excited! :) I love Halloween <3

Transforming Family

Zack, Meg, Rich and I all love Transformers so much that I surprised them with these silly pics when they got home today...

Here are the full shots ...