Gonna get back to blogging

I felt better when I blogged so I am going to come back to it. Holding things in and not expressing myself is what has caused me to start having anxiety.

2009 was not a good year for me all around. Rich was out of work for almost the whole year and our relationship became strained. On the other hand Julian and I got along much better. Little did I know he was just using me because he knew I would be there for him when he needed help. I was.... every damn time he needed it. He told me how much it meant to him and at times lead me to believe there was more to it. Come to find out he had a hidden girlfriend across the country. One our kids STILL don't know about. A girl across the country is perfect for him. He can hide his flaws and have someone to talk to nightly to spew his crap to. He is definitely a talker. Then they have little weekend getaways to keep the bliss illusion. I don't believe he will ever move out there. He has everything he needs without the responsibility of being in a relationship. He can do anything he pleases. How would she know what he is up to? I actually hope he does move out there so I don't have to deal with the pain so often. Yes, we have been separated for almost 4 years now and will always be married so I can keep insurance, but it still hurts how much he has changed.

If he does move out there he will be daddy to her kids and I don't think that will be easy for my kids. Especially since they don't know she or they exist. There is a lot of flirtation on his Facebook, even talk of being tied up for sex when he goes out there this weekend. But the kids think of that as nothing knowing how many women have been in and out of his life and what a flirt he is. They don't realize it's real... or his fantasy version of real.

In good news Rich has found a job and is happy with it. He is back to being "Rich" again and I am thrilled. I need to focus on our relationship and our future. I've spent most of our time together focusing on the past and trying to fix what went wrong with my husband. I'm done with that and have a very strong good feeling about 2010. I think it's going to be our year. Things are really going to turn around and be good. :) My kids are doing great, they want to make family portraits with the 4 of us. That is a good sign. They love Rich. It's about time I gave him the respect and love he deserves.

confused

Kinda in limbo right now. Not sure what decision to make, not sure if I am strong enough to go through with what I decide. Feeling a bit lost.

I wish I could blog about what is going on and how I'm feeling. But I feel it would cause more trouble than I can handle. Blogging is therapeutic for me. I can't even keep a secret journal because I fear the repercussions. How do I screw up my life so much? Where is the strong woman I used to be?

Failure

I have pretty much failed in life. The one thing that kept me going, kept me wanting to live, is my kids. They are the light of my life. I feel as if I am a failure as a mother too. Everyone said surviving cancer when I was told I would die was a miracle. It's not. It's nothing but a nightmare. I want to get off this ride. I wish I hadn't gone for the damn IV today. I'm never going again.

oh good gawd ...

Just found out Meg has a casting tomorrow morning in South Beach. Another 6 hour round trip plus wait time. My body aches and I am so tired. I'm going to bed extra early tonight, though I haven't slept good in I don't know how long. I pray I sleep tonight. Her castings are so hard not only on my body but financially too. She can't make it if I don't do this, and I would do anything for her and Zack.

Withdrawls

I am seriously missing having Disney passes. $250 a person is seriously out of reach.
Gawd I hate being poor. :(

What do I do? Which is the right path?

Sometimes I wonder why I survived such a horrific disease just to fuck up my life. I have no one to blame but myself. When I was told I was going to die, I vowed no one would raise my kids but me. I think that is the only thing I have done semi right. There are many things I would change in what I have done for my kids or opportunities I should have made for them. But at least they have turned out to be good loving mature kids with good values and loving hearts. We have a close and open relationship and can talk to each other about anything. I do believe if I didn't have that in my life right now I would just give up. Every other aspect of my life it seems I have turned into a total fuck up. I have nothing else going for me. No, this isn't a pity party. It's a realization that I have done this all to myself and only I can change it. It's just a matter of do I care enough anymore.

it goes on ...

The trial ended up not being a trial. I sat in the hallway while my lawyer and his lawyer talked with the judge in chambers. It seems I am going to be married for a while longer ... if not forever. I tried to tell my husband from the beginning not to get lawyers involved. The same thing we talked about from the beginning is happening now... and we are both in debt up to our eyeballs in attorneys fees. We had no debt going in to this. I really wish he would stop listening to people that know nothing of our unique situation. All of the crap we have been through could have been avoided.

We both pretty much collapsed afterward. I sent my kids on the family vacation with my parents. I just wasn't up for a 6 hour drive and all the chaos that goes along with my whole family together. I love them all dearly.... but my mind and body needed quite time. It was supposed to be for the whole week. But of course, my luck, the trial was scheduled right in the middle of it. My parents had to stay here as witnesses so they only got 2 1/2 days with my sisters instead of a week. :/

RIP Michael

This is a beautifully sad video.

I'm back ....

But this is common for me. I come and go with this blog. For some reason i just like the set up here better than LJ.

I'm also back from Palm Beach. We had a blast on very little money. It was great to get away and spend time unplugged. Zack is loving his iPhone, but forgot his charger so we had no internet access. It was nice! We window shopped and ate in the condo instead of eating out. We went to Peanut Island to snorkel, laid on the beach and played in the waves. I got a bit burnt though I thought I was diligent with the sunblock. :p

I'm exhausted from the trip, but have so much to do this week. I'm excited about all the good things going on. I don't want to jinx anything so I'll write about these things later. :)

Rich and I have been working hard in the yard. 16 years here in this house, the plants were way overgrown. I ripped many of them out, replanted some in the cove and trimmed back a Bird of Paradise that was taking over the front of my house. I couldn't even see out my front window anymore! We put in a cute wall and trellises, but are far from finished. I used the money my parents gave me as an early birthday present. It will take a while to finish but the difference already is amazing. :)

Love this...

I love his voice, and how flamboyant and theatrical he is. People were surprised he is gay? ;) That scream.... it's to die for!

What Have You Done?

Stand My Ground

Stuff

I haven't had the motivation to write lately. I am thinking about moving all my posts from here to my LJ. There really is no sense in having two blogs. At least there I can write how I really feel about things and not just have on the surface fluff posts. The problem is finding the time to move them over one by one.

Things have been very busy here. I have also dove back into my reading obsession. I had to get away from it years ago because I tend to stay up late reading or get nothing done in the day when I can't put a book down. I thought I had it under control but am back to being ridiculous. Tina brought me the first 3 Twilight books on Thursday night. When she stopped by yesterday afternoon to give me the 4th, I was already half way through the third book. I find myself up until 3am most nights. It makes my days much harder with so much going on every day. In the last 3 weeks I have read Wicked, Son of a Witch, Harry Potter Half Blood Prince, and Harry Potter Deathly Hollows, along with the Twilight series.

We joined Pro Health and Fitness and have been loving it! It was really tough for me at first, but am building strength and stamina. The gym is amazing! I have never seen a place that nice in this area. Each cardio machine, and there are endless rows of them, has it's own personal tv. I was on a machine... not sure what it's called... it's like a elliptical, but does stairs, walk and run cycles. I looked over as Meg was getting on the one next to me and said... I freakin hate this machine! The guy on the other side of me was laughing. Then he made fun of me for listening to my MP3 while I "read" my soap opera on the TV with closed caption. lol Hey, I can do both! Me and Meg love going in the hot tub afterward, and the steam room with eucalyptus has really helped my f'ed up lungs. Sometimes we go in the pool to goof off, but I really want to catch a water aerobics class soon. I can really see a difference in Zack. It's like he grew another few inches and his arms and shoulders are spreading wider. I need to try to go more nights when he goes for some Zack and mom time, but he meets friends there and has a good time with them.

Things are going really well for me despite the serious lack of money. But I can't complain. Life is good. :)

Hooker Mom?

I picked Meg up yesterday from her friends house in MI and she was so excited to tell me she saw a Barbie that looked like me when I was younger. She took a picture of the computer screen with her phone. The image was small but I did agree the face (and big hair) did resemble me in my skinny days.





We ran around so much and were gone all afternoon after that. I ended up coming home and puking in my sink because I couldn't make it a few feet farther to the toilet. I don't have a bug, just over doing it after chemo. So I had forgotten about her showing me that until I just sat at the computer a few minutes ago to check my email. I called her in here to see if she remembered where on the web she saw it.





It turns out it was the Cher Barbie ...

"She's dressed like a hooker."

"So I look like Hooker Barbie?"

"The face mom. The face! ... and you had big hair."

"Oh, that's Cher!"

"Who's Cher?"

LOL :p

Discombobfuckulation

I can't think straight. Not only do I have way too much on my mind, I have been dealing with constant neck and head aches. Money is a constant struggle, but thank God we make it each week. I put a lot of time and effort (and unfortunately stress) into figuring everything down to the penny to make sure we have what we need. The economy is f'ing with Rich's job and I am still struggling since my support was cut by a huge amount.

I worry Faery Wings won't do well with everyone in the country struggling to make ends meet. But I have a good feeling about it. I am almost done, I just need a bit more money for the payment processing and a few other things and it will be up. I changed the design many, many times. I went away from the clean stark white and went with earth tones. My design and coding skills are limited so I tend to get very frustrated.

After probably 20 different banner designs, I ended up with almost the same thing I had before, but with different colors. lol

Once I make a bit of income I will be able to add things I have created myself which Faery Wings will end up being more towards that. But it takes money. I have a plan... but need to learn patience! That has never been a virtue of mine. :p Meanwhile all my plans get jumbled up into a clusterfuck in my head. I got away from journaling and I really need to get back to a private one to keep all my ideas from colliding in my head. I am designing Faery Wings to have a journal so I can introduce new things when they happen. It will also have an RSS feed to alert new stock. I haven't decided if I'll keep the guestbook. I thought of having that instead of product reviews. I will also have a favorite links area to cross link some of my favorite places. ( like Rockangel's gorgeous faery art)
My goal is for the site to be up in the next couple of weeks. I know I sound grumpy and down, but actually I'm not. Just sheer frustration and exhaustion from trying to get the business going. I pretty much had to start from scratch from when I closed it before. Licensing, tax ID's ... everything.

Other than that and being broke things are going really well. I have come across so many of my old high school buds on Facebook. Every week I get more requests. Not only is there my old high school group, but there is even a group from my old neighborhood! Soooo many good friends I lost touch with. One has a house on the beach on an island near Charleston and a real estate business to rent out more. A group is gonna try and get together this summer up there. He asked me to come. I really think I'd like that. I also got an invite to go to New Jersey late summer to get together with my long time buds that run the WMA. I love those guys so much. I'd like to do that too. Rich wants to go to Boston this summer too. I don't think I've been there since the Lord of the Rings Exhibit. Wait ...was that one before the Star Wars exhibit? I went for both. I'm such a nerd. lol
My business needs to do really well or else I soooooooo need to win the lottery! doh!

My babies are doing great. Most of the stress that has plagued us in the last year has been lifted. Zack no longer has stomach issues. He is constantly busy! I told him today as he ran out for work after walking in the door from school I needed some Zack and mom time. We need to just go have fun. Apparently Meg saw him laughing and having a good time with two girls after the movie the other night. He hasn't done a lot of socializing since Michael moved in. I was glad he is back to going out. Mike is more of a homebody and I told Zack he didn't have to be one too.

Meg has a new boyfriend who is so much less needy. I think she was suffocating with the other. Plus the stress of his hormones that she wanted nothing to do with. I do miss him though. We talked a lot. I tried to get him to understand. :-/ Her new guy is talkative, funny, likes to act like she does, and gives her space! His parents are awesome.

Meg's new best friend is exactly like her too. The two of them together is just plain scary. They giggle about everything! I love Cassidy's mom and we have become good friends. The four of us spent a day at Cocoa Village and had a blast. She calls me her long lost twin. I can't wait to get together again. I just wish I had more money so she and I could go do girls night out together. We have a date next week though! lol

Romeo had another seizure the other day. This is his 4th in about 3 1/2 years, which isn't a lot, but since his sister died from them it has me worried. All I can do is comfort him till he comes out of them. Tina spent so much money on Cocoa and there isn't really anything you can do. My friend Diana also spent a fortune on seizure meds for her Yorkie and he still had them. I feel helpless about it at times. It scares the crap out of me when he is going through one.

Anyway, gotta go make dinner then I'm going to lay down and veg probably put in a movie ...

Topsy Turvy

Just feeling a bit nostalgic and extra scurvy "On the sixth of Januervy"

Daydream