Inner Pain

How do you get rid of pain that has been buried and ignored so deep within you that it has eaten away everything inside you including your soul?

Words from the heart

I shouldn't still be obsessing over this, but it hurts to be blamed by people that have no clue. I saw something today that bothered me greatly and started typing these words. I'm not a writer so don't judge. The pain is real.

Breaking Free

I  had come so far only to get caught in his web of lies once again. I am breaking free.
Life is a gift, a gift worth fighting for. I'm not quite sure when I gave up my control to him, but I have been a fighter most all my life. I will be in control again and fly free like I dreamed I would once I was free of him. I am free.

Threats

My mood ....

Entangled

well... I'm still married.

We settled out of court. I don't like the settlement, but it seemed I had not much choice so I could keep insurance a bit longer. I modified a few things that I could, but basically I'm f*cked for life.
I was shocked when I went to sign the papers and found out he agreed to stay married for 5 years. Well, actually I knew that part. What I found out is he agreed to have to keep his job and not move out of state for 5 years! Something in me knew he really never wanted to move to CA. I'm pretty much screwed on alimony and definitely screwed on insurance after 5 years. Lets pray if there is a national health care, that is it better than medicaid! ugh. If he breaks our contract either by getting himself fired or BR letting him go for financial reasons, all bets are off on this contract and we go to court and permanent alimony, paying for my health care, all back legal costs and everything I wanted are back on the table.

My head is still spinning. I'm mentally wiped out. But in some ways there is somewhat of a relief the legal crap is over.

What Have You Done?

How many times can an outreached hand be bitten?
A forgiving heart be pierced?
A loving soul torn to shreds?

How many times can one say they are sorry?
Plead for resolution?
Try to make amends?

There comes a time when you have to give up and let go.
Your heart can bleed no more.
Your soul is on the edge of death.

Your abuse echos in my ears.
Your hatred crushed my heart.
Your lies blacken my world.

Now she has taken it upon herself to judge me as evil.
To hate me for a warning.
To spread more lies.

She is so much like you
Full of anger and hatred.
Fueling your negativity.
Going in and out of nice and hate like Jekyll and Hyde.

There will be no forgiveness because the apology was empty, cold and meaningless.
You have hurt my kids.
I have no more trust in you.

If I reach for the olive branch, it will just end up jabbed in my heart.