I'm jealous my kids are at Universals Halloween Horror Nights without me! I sat at home and played with Photoshop instead of working tonight. Going on vacation in a few days, but it seems my brain is already there!

why...

I just want to be happy, enjoy life ... live life. Why does it have to be so hard? Where is the confident, carefree and happy person I used to be?  Who am I? I look in the mirror and see someone I don't know. She is  hideously bloated, scared to take chances, negative no matter how hard she tries to think positive, and hides from the world because she is so ashamed of who she has become. No matter how much good and wonderful she has in her life, she only sees the bad. She is drowning in her own misery. I have come to despise her.

Threats

My mood ....

Entangled

Daydream

Sun Breaks

This photo is a collaboration between my daughter and I. She is a budding artist. I am a novice trying my best. I feel as if you can see her soul shine in this image.

Textures

I am really trying to get painting textures down. It's not easy. I'll keep practicing. I think leaves are harder than anything!

New Brushes

I got some new brushes and created this image. I have more that I haven't had time to try out yet. I can't wait to see what I can do with them.

Having fun ...

I got a new Photoshop and played around on it today. I've been sick as a dog all week and still am low on energy. This was a fun thing to kill boredom. My beautiful daughter and handsome son make the art more interesting! <3

Path

Photo : Ginni Bennett

Photoshop Art: Ginni Bennett

Quote: Jim Rohn

Fly

Photo taken by: Julian Bennett

Photoshop Art: Ginni Bennett

fae of pink

Photo taken by: Audrey

Photoshop Art: Ginni Bennett

chaos

need new focus

I found a new less expensive server to move Faery Wings too. I also have been doing a lot of reading and going to promote it in different ways. I'm making a new blog to go along with it. I played around with this image to take my mind off things going on in my life.

Monster

Flying

(Doh! having it reduced on here you can't read what it says. )

Angels

Paybacks

My friend Tina thinks she is real funny sending pictures of creepy Halloween figures to my phone saying it's my date or my boyfriend. I just paid her back by taking one of the photos she sent and adding a picture I took of her a couple of Halloweens ago when I did her make up.

I posted it on her Myspace page. *wicked laugh*

Moody Moods

True, I am a moody person. I used to be able to talk about how I feel. But years of being back stabbed or things I say being taken the wrong way I find it hard to express how I feel. I keep it all internal and one day I feel my heart... or my brain will just explode.

The many faces of me ...

feeling feisty and devilish

out for blood

cold and alone

like I can fly

like I should just disappear

broken

no one can hear me

infuriated

drowning

“…Slowly, slowly the wound to the soul begins to make itself felt, like a bruise, which only slowly deepens its terrible ache, till it fills all the psyche. And when we think we have recovered and forgotten, it is then that the terrible after-effects have to be encountered at their worst.”—D.H. Lawrence (Lady Chatterly’s Lover, 1928)

A friend had a talk with me a couple of weeks ago. She was concerned about my social withdrawal and my avoidance of friends. She told me she has thought I had symptoms of PTSD ... post traumatic stress disorder. I was in shock. First because I only associated ptsd with soldiers, but also because I thought I hid my depression pretty well from friends and family. I guess not. I never knew breast cancer survivors could have this trauma disorder. She said she has seen signs of it since 5 years ago when we met. She also suffers from ptsd, but for completely different reasons. She said in the past two years my symptoms have gotten progressively worse and felt it was time to get the nerve to talk to me about it.

In researching the symptoms for breast cancer survivors it does show avoidance, depression, social withdrawal, sleeplessness (I can't remember a time I have slept through the night), inability to focus, flashbacks, avoiding friends and family, ... and marriage falling apart. To be honest, I believe I had ptsd before I was diagnosed.... or maybe it was just depression. But I had a traumatic experience when I was younger and I think that combined with what I have gone through with this 11 year cancer battle and things in my marriage going so terribly wrong it's something I should get help dealing with. I have an appointment with my doctor in a few weeks to find out.

I get angry and disappointed with myself and think... I'm a strong woman! How could I let this happen? How could my life have spun so out of control? Get a grip and regain control!