Sugar Daddy

.... I'm beginning to think I need one. Every time I think I'm going to make some progress in my life I hit a wall. At this rate I'm going to go from concussion to brain damage.

Thinking about a Bucket List

I am so grateful for having life and never believed the doctors that I was going to die. I have a good life, but have allowed depression and stress and most of all pain and fear control me. I live for my children, yet one is on his own and the other is not far behind. Both full of life and ready for life's adventures. It's time for my own. This divorce, not the disease, has left me broken, broke and not living life. I am going to do everything in my power to fulfill things I have dreamed of doing in my life. Don't know where I will get the money to do this, but I will find a way. Here is a start to my Bucket List. There will be so much more added with time.

I want to stay in a castle turned hotel.



        

 ... or two.

Wander the English countryside.

Spend a few months in Tuscany.

Absorb every inch of Notre Dame and gaze upon the spiritual Rose window.

One day owning a few acres with horses. 

Maybe alpacas ...

 

... and one of these! <3

Home Office

My home office is coming together! It's bittersweet considering it's Zacks old room and I couldn't even come in here for almost 2 months! It was too heartbreaking walking in and seeing all his things gone. He has been in this room since he was in a crib! Now that I am setting up my own workspace I'm a happy girl :-) I'm going to go through old pictures and make a collage of pictures through the years and hang it on the wall.

I spent all day going through all the things he left behind sorting what I keep for memories and what goes in the garage sale. Yes, I am crazy for having another one. Every time I do I say I will never have another. But there is just too much to bring to Goodwill so I might as well try and make a few bucks then send what's left to charity.

Right now I am using a 5ft. folding table that I will eventually use for home parties as my desk/work table. My creative juices are flowing. I just hope I can keep on task. When I have so many things I want to do I tend to start a project then move to the next, then the next and never get one fully done. I have to learn to stay on task! I think the art will be first, then the crafts, then the aromatherapy and skin care items. I won't have everything done in time for the village craft fair in October, but there will be others. I also have the website and hopes of home parties once I get things going.

I have a big futon in here so at times I can sit back, relax and think. Right now I have 3 cats checking it out thinking it's their new hangout. I don't think so! Koondah is a bit confused because he smells himself on  it and it looks eerily familiar. I got it from my ex. I also got the cat from my ex. Poor baby is looking at me like... wtf? lol

I'm pretty exhausted from working all day. My back is absolutely killing me. The heating pad and my bed are calling my name.

Sunset Vines

I'm in a bit of a better mood today. No tears. I decided to make a different version of the trapped entagled bleeding butterflies. I have to remind myself there is always hope and I can change, grow and maybe even fly.

well... I'm still married.

We settled out of court. I don't like the settlement, but it seemed I had not much choice so I could keep insurance a bit longer. I modified a few things that I could, but basically I'm f*cked for life.
I was shocked when I went to sign the papers and found out he agreed to stay married for 5 years. Well, actually I knew that part. What I found out is he agreed to have to keep his job and not move out of state for 5 years! Something in me knew he really never wanted to move to CA. I'm pretty much screwed on alimony and definitely screwed on insurance after 5 years. Lets pray if there is a national health care, that is it better than medicaid! ugh. If he breaks our contract either by getting himself fired or BR letting him go for financial reasons, all bets are off on this contract and we go to court and permanent alimony, paying for my health care, all back legal costs and everything I wanted are back on the table.

My head is still spinning. I'm mentally wiped out. But in some ways there is somewhat of a relief the legal crap is over.

Gonna get back to blogging

I felt better when I blogged so I am going to come back to it. Holding things in and not expressing myself is what has caused me to start having anxiety.

2009 was not a good year for me all around. Rich was out of work for almost the whole year and our relationship became strained. On the other hand Julian and I got along much better. Little did I know he was just using me because he knew I would be there for him when he needed help. I was.... every damn time he needed it. He told me how much it meant to him and at times lead me to believe there was more to it. Come to find out he had a hidden girlfriend across the country. One our kids STILL don't know about. A girl across the country is perfect for him. He can hide his flaws and have someone to talk to nightly to spew his crap to. He is definitely a talker. Then they have little weekend getaways to keep the bliss illusion. I don't believe he will ever move out there. He has everything he needs without the responsibility of being in a relationship. He can do anything he pleases. How would she know what he is up to? I actually hope he does move out there so I don't have to deal with the pain so often. Yes, we have been separated for almost 4 years now and will always be married so I can keep insurance, but it still hurts how much he has changed.

If he does move out there he will be daddy to her kids and I don't think that will be easy for my kids. Especially since they don't know she or they exist. There is a lot of flirtation on his Facebook, even talk of being tied up for sex when he goes out there this weekend. But the kids think of that as nothing knowing how many women have been in and out of his life and what a flirt he is. They don't realize it's real... or his fantasy version of real.

In good news Rich has found a job and is happy with it. He is back to being "Rich" again and I am thrilled. I need to focus on our relationship and our future. I've spent most of our time together focusing on the past and trying to fix what went wrong with my husband. I'm done with that and have a very strong good feeling about 2010. I think it's going to be our year. Things are really going to turn around and be good. :) My kids are doing great, they want to make family portraits with the 4 of us. That is a good sign. They love Rich. It's about time I gave him the respect and love he deserves.