My Fight

I am reminding myself of the strength I know I have. I lost track of it for a while, not from being sick but because of my divorce, but it's still there when I need it most. Having doctors ignore me for the last 6 months while I try to tell them something is wrong has been quite frustrating. Being in an MRI tube for 6 hours two days ago put my mental strength to the test. The only reason the tears came after 5 hours is that I felt like I was ruining my daughter's day off with her boyfriend. Luckily, the staff let them know it would be a while, and they were able to go do things while they waited. Most of the time, I was comfortable except when I had to be on my side with my arm above my head. The pain began to be more than I could bear. Other times they had so many pillows propping me in positions I almost couldn't fit on the tube. The Valium wore off way too soon, but I was able to just blank my mind when it got too much.

I pray I am wrong about the feeling my cancer is back. With the series of events that have led up to this MRI, I really have lost faith in the medical field. Yes, in years past they are what saved my life, but only in my persistence to get 2nd and 3rd opinions when I didn't like what I heard or didn't feel it was the right course of action. My story has many, many medical blunders. I just hope the torture I went through on Thursday gives me some answers. If it's not cancer, then tell me WHAT it is, and not pass these lumps off as ... "I don't know, but I don't think it's cancer related."

Tears

Been crying off and on all week. My heart is breaking for a friend in hospice, regretting things I should have done. I feel so bad for Chris and Liz who have been best friends with her since childhood, and for her family who is suffering watching her suffer.

Selfishly this has been a wake up call for me. I have been so wrapped up in focusing on my problems and with this  marathon divorce I have lost the happy go lucky positive person I used to be.  I'm sick of being sick. I've been blaming the meds I am on, but I know it's mostly all me. I have to get back on a good mental and physical track. The depression I fight has some to do with it, but I have always been able to overcome. I just simply gave up the last several years.

I just wrote on Ellen's show page for survivors and broke down in tears again. I had to answer questions about my illness and give advice for someone about to start treatment. It hit me hard about how low my life has sunk and how I have allowed my life to move so off course! I used to be told I was amazing. I used to be there for women newly diagnosed. I used to talk to the other cancer patients while getting my treatments.
Now, I've pushed so many out of my life. I avoid people. I am a homebody. I sit and stay to myself in the IV room. Again, part of it is depression and losing my positive focus, but lately it's gotten to be I am ashamed of myself. My teeth are a mess from chemo and radiation and I'm ashamed to smile and laugh. I still can't find a dentist to help me. I have become so heavy and don't feel comfortable in clothes. I won't buy new clothes because I tell myself I will when I lose weight. I am ashamed to go out because I have no clothes to wear! Vicious circle I tell ya. I don't feel well and am tired all the time. If I exercised and ate right I would feel better. I over eat and don't eat the right foods because I have come to realize food comforts me. If I don't break these horrendous cycles I will never heal! I know what I need to do to get better, it's finding the motivation ... no, the mental strength to get there.

I have LIFE. Something I was told I was going to lose years ago. I want more than this. I want to start LIVING life. So many years in that chemo room I began to block out the pain and suffering that goes on there. Chris C's battle is more personal and has unblocked a reality to just how fragile life is.

Reading back over this, I even ramble in circles. No wonder I'm always dizzy.

Words from the heart

I shouldn't still be obsessing over this, but it hurts to be blamed by people that have no clue. I saw something today that bothered me greatly and started typing these words. I'm not a writer so don't judge. The pain is real.

Loss of a friend

I didn't think this weekend could get worse.
I got a call earlier that a dear friend of mine passed away this afternoon. He had pneumonia and ended up dying from Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. I am numb, yet in excruciating pain. We used to be so close for years, but because of a few little tiffs, we drifted apart the past couple of years. If there were only a way to erase the stupid things we do in life. We are both Gemini. Both have hot tempers and tons of love to give. Both wore out hearts on our sleeves. When we had good times, they were great. When we clashed... everyone ran for cover. Please, God forgive me for the mean things I said to him. His friendship meant the world to me. He had a tough metal exterior, but he was soft and sweet on the inside. He had a good heart and soul. Please take care of him. He will be missed greatly.
To anyone reading this... treat those you love like they are special every day.
Kip Allan aka NightbreedRest in peace my dear friend.

Life is too short ...

I heard Meg scream for me yesterday and I ran out on to the porch to see what was wrong. A bird had flown into the screen. I went out to check on it, but it wasn't moving. I felt so sad looking at the beautiful creature. It made me realize how fragile life is. How fast it can all be over. This delicate creature flying with his robin family just minutes before now lay lifeless. The only movement was the trickle of blood dripping from his mouth. I went and got a shovel and a towel. I wrapped him gently and buried him. I picked a hibiscus flower from the tree and laid it on the freshly disturbed earth. Some of the robins he had been flying with were still in my yard. I felt sad for them, I knew they felt the loss. 

Thinking over how short life can be, I was thrilled that my husband and I could communicate again and even reflected on the fact it was 23 years ago to the day that we agreed to marry. We have too much invested in each other for it all to end in hate. I'm so glad things are turning around for the better. I don't want to fight anymore.

Things are looking up in all areas of my life. The kids are so happy with the new choices we made, things are getting better for my business. Rich may even be getting a new job. The evil that haunted us for the past few months seems to be disappearing from our lives. I couldn't be more grateful.

Love is in the air ...

I am very much looking forward to Valentine's day tomorrow. Not for all the cheesy fake ways that the commercial side of it brings. But for the fact I can tell the people most important to me how much I love them. Yes, I do this on a daily basis anyway. Valentines Day just makes it more fun with sweet sugary gooey goodness.

To my babies... I love you with all my heart and soul. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you.

To Rich ... I know it took us a long time to get to this point. After what I've been though I couldn't believe that someone could actually really love me. You have helped me through so much and have put up with so much. You finally broke through those thick solid walls I had up around my heart and soul. I am so glad you chiseled away over this last year and a half, because I have never known anyone to have so much trust, so much compassion, so much love to give. Now that I have finally given my heart to you I don't know if you will ever get rid of me! lol You love me for who I am, even with mistakes I make, I can be ME for once in my life. You are a very special man... romantic, loving, compassionate, and treat me like a queen. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to do everything possible to make you happy and make your life easier. You make me smile when I wake up, when you walk through the door after work, when we all 4 are in the kitchen making and eating dinner or playing games, ... with everything we do together. I love you.

My Heart Breaks ...

... for my babies. I wish so much I could just put them in a bubble to protect them from all bad things life throws at you. But then they wouldn't grow up to be strong adults. They are the most mature kids I know and can handle situations better than most adults. I have said this many times, I know. But it's true.

I am so thrilled they confide their everyday struggles with me. But it also tears me up inside. I want to race right in and make everything better, destroy what is causing my babies pain. But I know that will only make the situation worse. So I sit on the sidelines watching, reading the texts from them on my phone telling me whats going on when I am not with them, giving them advice and help when needed, and see them take care of the hardest situations kids today have to face on their own. There is a situation I may have to step in on, but right now I am waiting for the ok.

Life is tough for teens today. On top of the normal pressures my kids have to deal with their dad and I no longer communicating ... and the intense hate he has for me. It's all very sad. When the kids had these types of issues I could talk to him about it and he could give a different perspective. We always worked well like that. Now I can no longer go to him. Things have been so bad in the past few months, I have learned that Rich and I work well working out issues with them now. It sickens me that their dad has made this choice. I tried my best to keep our parenting together, but he chose to back away.

Our lives are going to change greatly in the next month. I think it's definitely for the better. I am looking forward to these positive changes. The kids are too :)

*EDIT*

I take back what I said. He does care. I think he always has, but is easily swayed by the wrong people. We talked and I think we made the right choice about the issues that have been haunting me for months now. I had pretty much already made the decisions but talking to him about them and getting his approval made things much more at ease. The kids are thrilled that we can communicate again and are excited about their weekend with him.

It's on ...

The truth will set me free.

The look of Fear

I found out over the weekend a friend of mine's cancer is back. I just ran into her a few months ago and she was doing great. Last weekend, I saw her with her husband and son in Panera. She told me she was optimistic, but I could see the fear in her eyes. I know she hates being on chemo again. Being sick, hair falling out, not knowing if you are going to live or die. It really sucks. She is also stage 4.

She is on steroids this time and not reacting well to them. They were able to cut her dose in half. I told her I also had effects from them, but luckily they didn't make me sick. They made my face fat and round, put 35 pounds on me, made me irritable ... and many other things. I'm not sure why you have to have them along with some forms of chemo, but I told her if I ever have to do it again... I am refusing it. Give me the chemo ... but fuck steroids. Fuck anything that isn't being put in me to fight the disease. I can't even take a Benedryl anymore when I have an allergic reaction to something because they gave me a high dose IV bag of the crap for over a year "in case I had a reaction to Herceptin". When the reactions to Benedryl got worse, I was able to get a half dose. After a few times, I couldn't even take that. They finally cut it out completely. After about 6 months of being off of it, I got a bug bite and took a Benedryl tablet. I went nuts ... bad reaction. About a year ago, I had a weird rash and my doctor gave me some pills to help. I forgot to mention my problem. They had some antihistamine in it similar to the one in Benedryl and again... reaction.

Anyway... I totally got off the subject here. I can't get the look in her eyes out of my head. As we were talking, Rich and her husband were talking. I looked over at him to say something, and he had that same terrified look in his eyes. He just looked so lost. I looked at their son, who is the same age as Zack, and he also had pain in his eyes. I've often told Zack to talk to him. They have been through a lot of the same things.

I really need to do something for her.

How many times can an outreached hand be bitten?
A forgiving heart be pierced?
A loving soul torn to shreds?

How many times can one say they are sorry?
Plead for resolution?
Try to make amends?

There comes a time when you have to give up and let go.
Your heart can bleed no more.
Your soul is on the edge of death.

Your abuse echos in my ears.
Your hatred crushed my heart.
Your lies blacken my world.

Now she has taken it upon herself to judge me as evil.
To hate me for a warning.
To spread more lies.

She is so much like you
Full of anger and hatred.
Fueling your negativity.
Going in and out of nice and hate like Jekyll and Hyde.

There will be no forgiveness because the apology was empty, cold and meaningless.
You have hurt my kids.
I have no more trust in you.

If I reach for the olive branch, it will just end up jabbed in my heart.

Scary Night

I woke up last night with a severe burning pain in my upper abdomen just below my breastbone. I felt like I had to either throw up or have diarrhea. I went to the bathroom and neither would come out. The pain got more and more intense... like someone was shoving a sword fresh from the fire in me. I was sweating, and my head got all woozy. I kept passing out. At one point, I found myself wedged between the toilet and the wall. I tried with all my strength to call for help... I have no idea if I did or not.

I tried to pull it together and get back to bed. I don't know how long it took or how many times I crashed into things and fell... but Rich heard all the noise and by that time I had made it to bed. I thought I was in bed.... but only partially on and lying at the foot of it. He kept yelling... what's wrong, what's wrong? I thought I was talking to him, but he could barely make out my slurred words. I was drenched in sweat. The pain was sickening. Again I was in and out of consciousness. He was so freaked out, but I didn't want anything but to lie still. No doctor, definitely not the ER. He laid by me and I could feel him checking on me constantly all night. The pain subsided after a while. I have no idea how long. I had no idea this had all happened around midnight until he told me.

My stomach still doesn't feel right. I have been scouring the web for info. It may be an ulcer... who knows? People think I'm nuts not calling the doctor. But if you have been through what I have been through you would know they will order a battery of tests (more for me because of the cancer) and I just can't mentally and physically handle that right now. We will see how I feel in a few hours...

Immaturity

It's really hard to work out real problems when you deal with complete and utter immaturity. Someone that doesn't listen to a word you have to say. Someone that just says evil hurtful things because he wants to cause pain. Talks over what he doesn't want to hear or can't handle. I know he does these things out of deep guilt. He has to live with what he has done and is still doing. I have always and will always do what is best for my children. I will never keep them from him or make them think less of him. He knows he has made a bad choice. He is seeing the truth and doesn't want to believe.

If showing them the truth is so bad... too bad.

Life goes on.

Encouraging Stories ...

On this last day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month I took a break from doing laundry to find this inspiring article sent to me by Rich. I love reading other women's stories of survival. It makes me realize I am not alone and encourages me to strive harder in life.

I know anyone that reads my blogs probably thinks I am a whiner, but the truth is I am far from that. I let my pain out on my blog to keep me from exploding. I talk with new cancer patients quite often to offer my own encouragement to them.

In my livejournal I have been more open about my ups and downs though I don't really write in there anymore. I try my best to write my thoughts down to one day put together a book. On this last day of awareness I am pasting a few livejournal entries. Each on a different level to show the range of emotions that go along with this disease.


strange morning

12:05pm 17/08/2004

mood: morose
music: Dream Theater _ This Dying Soul
I am slowly beginning to despise going into that IV therapy room. I've transformed from someone going in with a smile on my face trying to bring good energy and hope to such a bleak depressing atmosphere, to someone who just wants to forget where she is for a few hours.
I'd always bring a book and never get any reading done because I would talk to the people around me. Now I bring my CD player and book or even my portable DVD player and get lost in a movie. Rarely talking to anyone, blocking out the pain, misery and life being sucked out of everyone around me.
Luckily today no one was moaning or throwing up. One of my favorite nurses brought me in and I got settled in my recliner as she went to get my IV bags. She came back and said there was an order for full blood work on me. As she accessed my port that is surgically embedded under my skin above my right breast, she asked me what was going on. I told her about the health problems I've been having and all the tests I've been going through. I wanted to cry but when she was done and I was hooked up, I put my headphones on and relaxed laying back in my chair. I had my beloved Jekyll and Hyde CD in from the Broadway musical. My mind wandered in so many directions and my eyes kept watering. I fought off tears over and over again. I decided I was to emotional for J&H since it is so close in my heart.
As I was changing CD's, I noticed the elderly man across from me wanted to chat. He was telling me he only had 5 more treatments to go and he had enjoyed his experience because the people are so great. I have to admit, the nurses there are awesome. They keep us giggling and are very sincere in their concern for everyone. He asked how much longer I had with my therapy, I could tell he had been listening to me talk to the nurse. I answered "for the rest of my life". He looked surprised and then sad. One of the nurses made a joke about how I took up residence there. I see people come and go. Some people making it through treatment successfully and we have mini parties for them by popping bubble wrap and cheering them on. Some I watch progressively fading each time I see them until they finally pass on.
The gentleman was finished with his treatment and on his way. I was feeling the need to block out the world again. I had forgotten my book and didn't feel like watching only part of a movie since I now only had a little less than an hour left. I changed CD's and put in Dream Theater. I laid my head back and closed my eyes. My mind again raced to things I didn't want to think about. I opened my eyes and stared at the bag hanging above me watching it drip over and over again, amazed that 2 bags that look like nothing more than water could cost $2000.
Even through the music blasting in my ears I could hear the man next to me snoring loudly. I turned and starting looking around the room at the different faces. The recliners are set up in a long circle. No one looked happy, just bleak, blank expressions. Many were asleep. There were colorful afghans covering almost everyone because it is always so frigid cold in that place. Having Dream Theater setting the tone it was almost morbidly amusing to watch what was going on around me.
I was finally done. I watched the last few drips with anticipation. The nurse flushed my port, removed the needle and I was on my way. The drive home I almost felt numb, my mind almost blank. When I walked in the door of my home I broke down and cried.


hit by a truck...

04:26pm 12/05/2004

mood: depressed
... that's what I feel like. I got yet another call that an old friend has cancer. This makes 4 women I will now be consoling and trying to help them keep a positive outlook in the past few months. One of them, Donna, is dying. She was there for me 8 years ago when I went through my first battle. One day last year she showed up in the chemotherapy room as I was hooked up to IV's and they hooked her up right next to me. I held her hand as she cried and told me how they came to find her cancer that started in her bladder. I don't think she has stopped crying since. She has not been able to let go of the fear and focus on self healing. Her sister calls me in complete frustration about the fact that she does nothing but lay on the couch and cry day in and day out. Her cancer showed clear for a short time but returned with a vengeance. I tried to help... I feel like I have failed her. She said she wished she was as brave as I am. I'm not brave... this fucking disease scares the hell out of me! I fight the fear every day of my life.
Now I found out today that Arlene has it back. Our son's played baseball together the year my cancer came back. We would have long talks about it. She had breast cancer and chose to have a lumpectomy along with chemo. She often wondered if it was enough. Apparently it wasn't. She too found a lump in her neck just like I did. It has spread through her lymph nodes. But hers went a step farther. She has a spot on her lungs. It's really weird because I've lost touch with her and her hubby and I ran into him twice about a month ago. We had fun chats and caught up with what was going on in our lives. Weird coincidence that we got comfortable with each other again now that this has happened. My friend Lori that called me today told me she believes this is what I am meant to do. The chemo nurses have said the same thing to me. What exactly I am supposed to be doing is unclear to me. But knowing these 4 women have seeked my advice, my comfort, and my positive energy still amazes me because in my mind I am still so lost.


Life

10:32am 21/04/2004

mood: optimistic
I need to write more often, but just can't get focused.
I had a great time in Las Vegas. It was like being in "naughty" Disney World. I'm definitely going to try to squeeze a trip in this next year... I wanna go back! Maybe I'll look into taking the kids to the Grand Canyon and staying in Vegas for a day or 2 while we are out there. *ponders this idea*
So much is happening with me right now, it's hard to explain... but I feel good about everything. I think I'm starting to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel I've been in for the past few years. (no... not THAT light... lol)
Good close friends are still by my side even though I tried pushing a few away when I was at my lowest points. I actually had a woman I know socially come up to me the other day and tell me how much she admires me. I was in shock. This woman is on the board of everything and lives in a huge $1 million dollar home. I had another friend tell me the same thing a few days later when I ran into her in a store. My confidence level has been boosted ;)
I love life... I always have. I need to dump all these stupid fears and start being the person I am inside. Cancer and depression will not win.

Just a few days before that last entry I posted this ...

I met a woman when I was up at the school the other day. My son's teacher took her back in the office for a conference. A few minutes later the teacher came out and asked if I had a minute to talk. When I went back with her I found out this woman has a similar situation to mine (cancer). She asked if she could have my number. Well she called me today and we talked for about an hour. She wants to get together and have lunch so we can talk more.


Yes, I know most of these entries are from a few years ago. I've been going through this for years. I write in random places when I feel like it. Most of my things are in hand written journals. It has definitely been a journey. I'm very fortunate to have guardian angels, close friends, a supportive family and my dear babies who's love gave me life. All of which I would have never made it this far. I am also thankful for my estranged husband for caring enough to keep me on his health insurance, without which I would be dead. Though Rich wasn't with me in the hardest of times he keeps me sane now and has shown me unconditional support and love.

I look back on the years and could never be able to put into words what this disease does to a mind, body and soul. I've watched people I know wither away and die... some were close friends. I have had survivor guilt, chemo brain and depression. But I have also had many good things that I am very thankful for come from this. I am in remission and thankful for that IV bag of life I get every 4 weeks. The long term meds have taken a serious toll on my body and my health is not great... but I am alive.

I can't say I didn't try

Why did I accept the hatred and rage for so long? Why when I couldn't take anymore did I hold on to hope he would change? I was waiting for the man I married again. The man I gave up my dreams for so he could follow his. The man I pledged to love in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer ... in good times and in bad. No, I wasn't the same woman he married either. Having kids and fighting for my life changed me. I needed love and support. What I got was so completely opposite.

He told all our friends and acquaintances lies and half truths about me. Why? I don't know... maybe in his mind he really believed the things he said. Maybe it was to cover the fact that we both handled our problems in very wrong ways and he couldn't face what he had done. He was and still is willing to throw away years ... half our lives together ... like they meant nothing. No counseling. No facing the bad things that happened head on. Just shove it under the rug like it never happened.

Why did I hold out hope for so long through the last years of our marriage and even this last year and a half we have lived separately? I don't know, but I do know that it is a very common trend for abuse victims. If he doesn't want to get help that's fine, but I am going to get the help I need. It really scared me that the only two solutions I could come up with to end this nightmare was to move to another state so I didn't have to have this constant interaction with him... or for me to die. For two days I pondered over both. I will never ponder those thoughts again.

I opened an email this morning from a dear friend who knows I am upset. I just asked in an email to tell me I was strong enough to cut the ties and to never talk to him again. Her words hit me hard...
I KNOW you are strong enough to break from him if you totally put your heart and mind to it. This is one time I will tell you to focus on the negative-- all the misery he's brought to your life. Imagine what the last 10 years of battling cancer would have been like if Rich had been there instead of Selfish Teenager Julian. Think of all the heartache you would have been spared.

I've said it before and I will say it again. Rich has been an absolute Godsend in my life. I have been unable to fully give him my heart and kept him at friend level. He is the best damn friend I have ever had and he knew I was holding on to some hope for my marriage no matter how much I denied it. I tried lying to myself, and kept in mind how hard the last few years were. I would cringe and run to my room and hide in fear every night my husband would come home. I hid from the world. I hated life. But all the while hoping what we had once would emerge. This year and a half I had hoped somewhere deep inside that living on his own would open his eyes... but instead he is deeper into himself. It's all very sad. But out of all of this I find my heart aches most for Rich. For what I have put him though and he has always been right there at my side no matter what. I did need time to heal from my marriage. The pain was more than one can bear. But I am finally ready to give Rich my heart. I am no longer lying to myself about how I feel or fighting emotions for my marriage. I finally feel free. :)

....