Sometimes I wonder why I survived such a horrific disease just to fuck up my life. I have no one to blame but myself. When I was told I was going to die, I vowed no one would raise my kids but me. I think that is the only thing I have done semi right. There are many things I would change in what I have done for my kids or opportunities I should have made for them. But at least they have turned out to be good loving mature kids with good values and loving hearts. We have a close and open relationship and can talk to each other about anything. I do believe if I didn't have that in my life right now I would just give up. Every other aspect of my life it seems I have turned into a total fuck up. I have nothing else going for me. No, this isn't a pity party. It's a realization that I have done this all to myself and only I can change it. It's just a matter of do I care enough anymore.