I felt better when I blogged so I am going to come back to it. Holding things in and not expressing myself is what has caused me to start having anxiety.
2009 was not a good year for me all around. Rich was out of work for almost the whole year and our relationship became strained. On the other hand Julian and I got along much better. Little did I know he was just using me because he knew I would be there for him when he needed help. I was.... every damn time he needed it. He told me how much it meant to him and at times lead me to believe there was more to it. Come to find out he had a hidden girlfriend across the country. One our kids STILL don't know about. A girl across the country is perfect for him. He can hide his flaws and have someone to talk to nightly to spew his crap to. He is definitely a talker. Then they have little weekend getaways to keep the bliss illusion. I don't believe he will ever move out there. He has everything he needs without the responsibility of being in a relationship. He can do anything he pleases. How would she know what he is up to? I actually hope he does move out there so I don't have to deal with the pain so often. Yes, we have been separated for almost 4 years now and will always be married so I can keep insurance, but it still hurts how much he has changed.
If he does move out there he will be daddy to her kids and I don't think that will be easy for my kids. Especially since they don't know she or they exist. There is a lot of flirtation on his Facebook, even talk of being tied up for sex when he goes out there this weekend. But the kids think of that as nothing knowing how many women have been in and out of his life and what a flirt he is. They don't realize it's real... or his fantasy version of real.
In good news Rich has found a job and is happy with it. He is back to being "Rich" again and I am thrilled. I need to focus on our relationship and our future. I've spent most of our time together focusing on the past and trying to fix what went wrong with my husband. I'm done with that and have a very strong good feeling about 2010. I think it's going to be our year. Things are really going to turn around and be good. :) My kids are doing great, they want to make family portraits with the 4 of us. That is a good sign. They love Rich. It's about time I gave him the respect and love he deserves.
Blog of Gia Bennett
11 comments:
He's gross.
I can't see his facebook and I'm glad, and I'm proud to say I haven't looked lately either. I could care less how twisted the two of them are, better her than me, I say.
I even deleted Kyle, because he played with my emotions for months, then used Julian as an excuse to drop me. I still think Julian had something to do with that. He denied it, but he's a pathological liar, so... there ya go. So now I have no view into his life, which is fine by me. Eew. Gross. tied up, huh? I wonder if they have a "safe" word? Like maybe, "I'm gonna sh*t on your sheets, please untie me now"?? How sad is it that your kids have to see their dad act like an idiot like that? How old is he anyway, 15?
I may have done a lot of regrettable things while we dated (most of all DATING HIM) but I never talked about sex with him online. It's simply no one's business but mine what I do in the bedroom. And I always tried to be respectful of what the kids (yours AND mine) might see. Apparently he could care less. And apparently neither could she, as her kids can see that crap too.
Sorry, wrote this one when I was tipsy. No filter when I'm tipsy.
Facebook, for all it's wonderful, can be a constant source of disappointment, hurt and all around heartache. I am seriously considering giving it up - perhaps the healthiest mental thing I can do for myself to start the New Year. I love my dearest friends and I will certainly be able to keep up with their lives without it. At least I sure hope so.
But seeing constant posts by the man I can't get out of my heart loving his life without me in it is making me depressed. I know I should be happy for him but I am just so low that he seems to have moved on without a care.
How is it that we all fall for the bad boys?
Because we don't believe they are bad when we fall for them. We believe their lies and facades they present. Then after months, sometimes years of heartache and drama, we finally have had enough of it and end it for good, but that doesn't mean we are rid of all the residual feelings we originally developed for these sorts of men. We ONLY remember the best about them, and it kills us that they are now giving someone else that best. But rest assured... a leopard cannot change their spots, and soon enough, these bad boys will show their true selves to these new women soon enough. They are fundamentally flawed, in some important way in their characters, and simply cannot hold on to a real relationship. It's pretty sad for the women they leave strewn around their checkered pasts.
Chris, you shouldn't get rid of facebook, It can be a really cool thing!
Although I am finished with it where men are concerned. And the more days that go by where I'm not checking certain people's facebooks, the stronger I feel, and the more empowered I become. At some point, I have to start being good to me. I'm sorry that you have one like this too. I think we all do.
I shouldn't write angry, but it is such a good release! To his (only) defense he has been nicer and has given me money early when I need it.
Kyle is a nice guy, but a huge flirt. I tried adding him a couple years ago and he denied my request. It hurt because we were close. I can only imagine the portrait that was pained of me to all our old friends that have nothing to do with me now. I don't know what happened for you, but the reason I got through Julian about Kyle not accepting me was it would be uncomfortable for him. Who knows? What ever happened with Octavio?
Chris, I know what you mean about deleting Facebook for your mental health. It has to be hard to read his updates and tempting to check his page every day. None of your friends want you to leave! It's a great way to keep in touch. The only advice I have for you is to keep Facebook, delete him as a friend, then block his name so you don't see comments other mutual friends make on his page. If you don't, you will still be able to see parts of his page. Plus, I think his page is open so you would be able to cheat and peek anyway.
For my mental health for the new year... I think I need to stop trying to involve him in the kids lives so much and just talk to him when I have to. Send him any necessary info in email or text.
It's funny, I tell him so many things about what is going on in their lives, but leave some things up to them to tell him. He hung out here a lot the past couple months and it was amazing how much he didn't know. I had the kids tell him a few personal things I thought he should know and he was shocked. I don't think he knows them at all. I know he never knew me for sure.
About his relationship... I still really don't think he will ever move out there. He is so conflicting. One day he talks about staying with Marion because she isn't doing well. The next time he misses Rockledge and is still searching for a house there and knows I am keeping and eye out for one for him too. Then the next minute he is wanting to "get the fuck out of Florida".
Mentally for me, it would probably be better for him to move. He still relies on me to do so much for him. I'm thinking his new girlfriend must have been abused in the past. What woman would willingly go into a relationship with a guy that has abused the last 3 women he has been. Plus his past 3 bosses who were women. Plus I don't know who else because I don't know what goes on in his life, but him and David would talk about the women they hung out with in Cocoa. He was at the bars there all the damn time so I know he hooked up with at least a few if not many. yuck! We all know he doesn't like to wear protection. That is just so gross.
Ok, I'm done ranting. I just grossed myself out. :p
Hey, man. I write angry. It's a good release at times, and you get genuine feedback from people. It's not as if we are inflicting it on people who aren't asking to hear it, right? it's your blog, and if people don't want to read it, all they have to do is click off the page.
As for the last line... Yeah, I was kind of grossed out too. But I grew some balls and got tested. Thank God. Although I'm clean... there were many after me, and I'm not 100% sure if there were any DURING. I can no longer beleive a word he ever said to me. I do know of at least one.
As far as Kyle being a huge flirt, well he took it a bit further than that, even inviting me to come over if I find myself in Atlanta. He got very deep into a flirtation with me, and suddenly cut it off to nothing. It was hurtful, but I figure if he's going to base his decisions on what Julian thinks, then he's definitely not man enough for me. I don't want anyone that wishy washy. And he did play with my emotions, no doubt about it. Birds of a feather, flock together. You can definitely judge a person by the company they choose to keep.
I blocked Julian from seeing my stuff, and for the sole purpose of not seeing his comments, etc, but naturally I unblocked him. But I'm getting much, much better at not checking out his page. I wish I were like other women and didn't care at all. But I guess when you actually have feelings for someone, and they meant something to you, that doesn't all just go away overnight, even if it does turn to total disgust.
I'm sad that he doesn't know his kids, and that will end up biting him in the ass one day. One day it will be too late and they will regard him as nothing but a joke who had the most precious thing in life and chose to treat it casually, passing the responsibility off on anyone who would take it off his hands... PARENTHOOD. Very sad indeed.
Some of us take it seriously, and others are just a very good sperm donor. Luck of the draw I guess, but it causes monumental damage in the process, when you get one that simply doesn't care the way he should. And they are awesome kids, too. I never understood his apathy with that... just passed it off on the drinking and drug abuse. Such a tragic loss for him, but it is his choice. Sad.
I'm glad he's being kind again, but just be careful. You know how he adores keeping you on a roller coaster of emotions. He thrives on it, I think. Feeds off it. Like a parasite. I allowed it for long enough. Some men are just plain toxic.
Oh, and as far as Octavio, That was strictly a friend thing, on my end. Sadly, I don't think it was on his. He asked me out again, when I had plans. I told him I had plans, and never heard from him again. It's just as well. He had NO such loyalty to the "bro's before Hoe's" code that Kyle supposedly had... OD said that he and Julian weren't that good of friends, never were. What to believe? I haven't a clue.
Not to sound too corny, but I think this entire exchange is very healthy and cathartic! You know, if we share our experiences and feelings, we don't seem so alone in this.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Holiday"? Iris's speech at the beginning is astounding. There is also another line that she says..."You should be the leading lady in your own life". Yes, corny, again. But it's time we all embraced that.
My favorite movie ever, and yeah, I paid special attention to her speech in the beginning of the movie. It really resonated with me.
I agree, this exchange has been our healthiest yet.
;)
I need to get that movie!
I have enjoyed this exchange myself! 2010 I am going to get out of this rut and get back my spunky take no shit self. I looked in the mirror the other day and I don't even know who I am anymore. I have turned into a fat blob of shit that tries to please everyone and doesn't seem to please anyone. It's time to be a bit selfish and take care of me. You guys smack me straight if I lose this motivation. lol
Chris you were always an inspiration to me as a strong independent single woman. This one man has turned you needy. The old Chris is there. I want to see her again. It's going to take time for that heart to heal, but you can do it!
Karen, though we have never met in person I feel like I know you well. We have shared the same man and he got to us both. You are a strong independent woman and have done amazing things for yourself and your kids. I know you too can heal your heart.
WE have to take care of US!!!!
You know what they say... best way to get over a man is to get UNDER a new one, hahahaha!!! Still waiting for someone worthy of that, though.
But it's SO true... :P
And Gin... Don't describe yourself like that ever again. You said very sweet things about me and Chris. How about you start saying nice things about YOU? Think about all your positive qualities, we see them, why don't you?
Enough of trying to please the unworthy. YOU are worthy. Please YOU.
I second Karen- Gin, DON"T EVER talk about yourself like that again! You are the bomb, Babe!
And somehow in the last few days, "me" has come back! (Yeah!) That "strong independent single woman" you met many moons ago, has moved back into this out of shape wreck of a body. Oh, and the screenwriter you didn't meet (because I burred her a few years before we met) is ALSO back. And she is very upset at what I've done to her body but I will be working on that, too. I can't eat if I am typing!
As for "my" bad boy, I seem to be making peace with that, too. It's like a paradim (sp?), I am feeling the exact opposite of what I wrote just a few days ago about him and Facebook. Maybe that has something to do with the above paragraph!
May 2010 be a great year for all of us.
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