Sunset Vines

I'm in a bit of a better mood today. No tears. I decided to make a different version of the trapped entagled bleeding butterflies. I have to remind myself there is always hope and I can change, grow and maybe even fly.

My mood ....

Entangled

well... I'm still married.

We settled out of court. I don't like the settlement, but it seemed I had not much choice so I could keep insurance a bit longer. I modified a few things that I could, but basically I'm f*cked for life.
I was shocked when I went to sign the papers and found out he agreed to stay married for 5 years. Well, actually I knew that part. What I found out is he agreed to have to keep his job and not move out of state for 5 years! Something in me knew he really never wanted to move to CA. I'm pretty much screwed on alimony and definitely screwed on insurance after 5 years. Lets pray if there is a national health care, that is it better than medicaid! ugh. If he breaks our contract either by getting himself fired or BR letting him go for financial reasons, all bets are off on this contract and we go to court and permanent alimony, paying for my health care, all back legal costs and everything I wanted are back on the table.

My head is still spinning. I'm mentally wiped out. But in some ways there is somewhat of a relief the legal crap is over.

Don't know what to do ...

I lose my health insurance in 3 weeks. Just reading over my disability and medicaid details. I can't make any income, so my new business is useless. I can't even figure out if I am allowed to receive alimony on it. I'm either going to be forced to live in poverty and have severely crappy health care that doesn't cover what I need, or try and actually live life... but die with no health care to cover all my cancer care costs. Does he care? Not at all. Of course his life (to him) is much worse off. I guess he is backing out on us staying married for me to have health coverage.

Honestly... I just fucking give up.