Blog of Gia Bennett

Blog of Gia Bennett

Sunday, October 3, 2010


Been crying off and on all week. My heart is breaking for a friend in hospice, regretting things I should have done. I feel so bad for Chris and Liz who have been best friends with her since childhood, and for her family who is suffering watching her suffer.

Selfishly this has been a wake up call for me. I have been so wrapped up in focusing on my problems and with this  marathon divorce I have lost the happy go lucky positive person I used to be.  I'm sick of being sick. I've been blaming the meds I am on, but I know it's mostly all me. I have to get back on a good mental and physical track. The depression I fight has some to do with it, but I have always been able to overcome. I just simply gave up the last several years.

I just wrote on Ellen's show page for survivors and broke down in tears again. I had to answer questions about my illness and give advice for someone about to start treatment. It hit me hard about how low my life has sunk and how I have allowed my life to move so off course! I used to be told I was amazing. I used to be there for women newly diagnosed. I used to talk to the other cancer patients while getting my treatments.
Now, I've pushed so many out of my life. I avoid people. I am a homebody. I sit and stay to myself in the IV room. Again, part of it is depression and losing my positive focus, but lately it's gotten to be I am ashamed of myself. My teeth are a mess from chemo and radiation and I'm ashamed to smile and laugh. I still can't find a dentist to help me. I have become so heavy and don't feel comfortable in clothes. I won't buy new clothes because I tell myself I will when I lose weight. I am ashamed to go out because I have no clothes to wear! Vicious circle I tell ya. I don't feel well and am tired all the time. If I exercised and ate right I would feel better. I over eat and don't eat the right foods because I have come to realize food comforts me. If I don't break these horrendous cycles I will never heal! I know what I need to do to get better, it's finding the motivation ... no, the mental strength to get there.

I have LIFE. Something I was told I was going to lose years ago. I want more than this. I want to start LIVING life. So many years in that chemo room I began to block out the pain and suffering that goes on there. Chris C's battle is more personal and has unblocked a reality to just how fragile life is.

Reading back over this, I even ramble in circles. No wonder I'm always dizzy.


Chris said...

Oh, Gin. I think if Chris knew she was helping you, it would make her happy to know her suffering was not in vein. Liz and I will be OK. We have our health and wonderful friends and family and we know how blessed we are. I really hope you get to know Liz more and that God brings her closer to all of us. Selfishly, I want you to come back out into the world more to connect to those of us who love and miss you. I am so looking forward to spending time with you later this month. You don't know how much. You can thrive and live and get more out of life...I am sure of it. You beat the BEAST (cancer), you can do anything!!

Karen ^..^ said...

I agree. And I can so relate to how you are feeling, even if I don't know exactly what you went through. I feel as though I've given up too. Too much heartache the last year, too much stress and anxiety. I don't know where to start to pull myself out of it all. Too many people telling me to just let it go... Easy enough for them, right? I also agree with Chris, you can do anything. Thankfully, you have the enduring love of your children. That is something I always thought I had, but have come to realize that I don't, not really. My life has been systematically destroyed. Those hell bent on destroying it, won't stop until I'm out on the street with nowhere to live. It's hard to pick yourself up and go on when you have such battles to constantly overcome. I feel for you, Gin, because on top of this disease, this constant fight, you also have other things crumbling down around you. I'm so glad things are good with us now, we didn't need to be that way toward each other. Now I'm glad to say I support you fully in anything you wish.

I understand the homebody aspect too. I have such a "why bother?" attitude, but I realize it's plain old fear. I have no one to lean on, no one in my corner, and feel fear every day now, when I used to fear nothing. Something I never thought would happen has happened. I never saw it coming. It has shaken me to my core. I don't know what to do about it either. So... I know a bit of what you're going through... and hope you can rise above it even if I can't.

You really CAN do anything. You've got your wonderful kids, your parents, and Rich. Draw on their strength, and yours. You can do it!

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