Life is a gift, a gift worth fighting for. I'm not quite sure when I gave up my control to him, but I have been a fighter most all my life. I will be in control again and fly free like I dreamed I would once I was free of him. I am free.
Blog of Gia Bennett
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Breaking Free
I had come so far only to get caught in his web of lies once again. I am breaking free.
Life is a gift, a gift worth fighting for. I'm not quite sure when I gave up my control to him, but I have been a fighter most all my life. I will be in control again and fly free like I dreamed I would once I was free of him. I am free.
Life is a gift, a gift worth fighting for. I'm not quite sure when I gave up my control to him, but I have been a fighter most all my life. I will be in control again and fly free like I dreamed I would once I was free of him. I am free.
6 comments:
What happened? Sorry it's been so long... haven't logged on to bloglines in a while.
Loooong story, but me and the ex fought the week his g/f was in town. It was sooooo stupid and didn't even need to happen. I wanted my child support. I had been out of town and got back Saturday afternoon. I usually get my money Thursday nights since he is off Fridays again. I was considering driving over to Orlando with Meg to get it Sunday. Well you know him all too well. It was one lie after another which confused the hell out of me because one minute he was out of town and I couldn't get my money until the next Wednesday or Thursday, then the story changed, then changed again. I was getting screamed at because I was out of town on the Thursday before and I should have "planned ahead". How was I supposed to plan ahead when he never told me he was going to be "unavailable" after I got back Saturday? He hung out over here at the house with me and Meg the Saturday before the trip for hours. He knew the days I was going to be gone. Shouldn't HE have planned ahead to protect his secret little life? No, instead I get screamed at, I get death threats, and I get blamed for making his life miserable. During the fight he talked and screamed over me so I couldn't even work out a plan with him! It was bad. I don't have to explain, you know this all too well. I'm sure you can even envision the lies he spun to her to make his psychotic behavior all my fault. He was screaming at me while on the toilet!
The thing is I was nasty and mean when you guys were together. I still wanted him back. I don't want that anymore. I just want honesty and for the games to end.
After his g/f flew back home he and I talked and I told him he was never going to heal until the lies, hiding, and games end. Living life openly, honestly and never doing anything or having secrets that you have a fear of being found is a great feeling.
Honestly, I don't think "I" can heal completely until he lives a clean life. Any progress I make seems to shatter with each of his attacks. I don't care what he says now, but he knows we were soul mates. We people always told us they had never seen such a partnership. He still seems to have broken bits of my soul.
I am doing my best to have everything handled in a different way so we have little contact on issues we fight about like money. We set up our accounts to be able to transfer money. One bad thing is he still controls it.
This image is me breaking free of his control and never ending web of lies.
I'm so sorry, and yes, I do know this scenario all too well. And I also know how he tries to spin it into your fault each and every time.
He is sick. He has problems. Try not to let him make his problems YOUR problems. Disengage.
Next time something like this happens, simply drive over to Orlando and get what is rightfully YOURS, along with a stipend for gas. Yes, he should have planned ahead.
Very sad. I'm sorry Gin, and this can't be helping your health issues either. I'm sure most of them are anxiety related.
I love the image. I had a feeling that's what it was about.
And yes, I do think you can heal, even if he NEVER lives a clean life. That's the codependency telling you THAT negative story. Sometimes you just have to let them spiral all by themselves. He is a grown man, much as he tries to fight it. He nearly drove me CRAZY with his duplicity. Remember the Easter before last? When I finally saw the light after you and I bickered over email all day? Holy shit, what an "AHA!!!" Moment THAT was...
Ugh, if I'd taken my own advice and "disengaged" a lot sooner, I would have been able to save myself so much grief. But I still hung on to the notion of his effed up victim's mentality.
I hope you can work out a decent solution soon, maybe to where you can get something set up direct deposit. I'm quite sure clerk of courts direct deposits... it is a court order, isn't it? His support? I'd look into that. Bad thing is, it would have to be HIM sending it to THEM, and them direct depositing in your account, so it may take longer. :(
I would have driven over but with his many lies I had no idea where he was! I still don't. I think maybe a hotel? I can't imagine him having her at his step moms ... even though they are all chummy with each other. ugh .. it hurts since I am looked at as the evil one by some his family.
I remember your "aha!" moment.
Most of the fighting we had was me trying to defend myself from his lies. You know, I would have never even contacted you if I hadn't gotten that hate filled email. He refused to tell me who zonagrrl was. I wrote back 3 times asking to identify herself with no response. I finally narrowed it down to you and Tina. I told him if he didn't tell me who I was going to contact you both directly. He still wouldn't tell me. You responded ... Tina didn't. That whole year and a half that nearly killed us both could have been avoided if he were a real man.
... AND if Tina wasn't such a stupid cunt. Gawd I still hate her. She is also the one that started his illegal drug issues. She used to try to push it on me too.
Sorry... rant!
I always wonder if the picture he has on Facebook taken when he went to meet his CA girl was aimed at you. He is in a hotel with a red bedspread and has his tongue out and fingers up as devil horns. It was after your "aha!" moment and he was still calling and begging for you. He did that for a while, didn't he? I know he started calling you again late July/August after our trial. I wonder if she knows?
Sometimes I think he gets so caught up in his lies and secrets he can't remember reality. When he was over he mentioned the he finally put the ol' love seat (aka love couch) out to the curb. I said... I know, I was there. We even had a moment looking at it and silently remembering our life with it. Then he said something else. Again, I was there. He seems to forget I have been there and helped him in every emergency, every need, every move ... every time he needed something. Maybe he just likes to forget. Now I need to forget. I have moved on, I just need to comletely let go and stop caring.
That's hard to do, especially when he oozes charm and sweetness whenever he DOES need something. You think the old loveable guy is back, the one you used to know. Then it never lasts.
I don't know what that picture was about, I just remember thinking, GADS, his hair looks HORRIBLE like that!!! LOL, I'm such a hair dweeb.
You need to stop being so available to him in every emergency. He has chosen a life apart from you, and he'll survive. I know you are doing it from a place of loyalty and the fact that he's the father of your children, but where is that loyalty when YOU need it, such as needing to get your child support in a timely manner, etc?
He was good about it for the first few years, now why is he slacking??
Letting go and stopping caring is so much easier said than done, I know. You've got a bit of a road ahead of you on that one.
But you have made some enormous strides, there, too. Good for you. <3
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