My Fight

I am reminding myself of the strength I know I have. I lost track of it for a while, not from being sick but because of my divorce, but it's still there when I need it most. Having doctors ignore me for the last 6 months while I try to tell them something is wrong has been quite frustrating. Being in an MRI tube for 6 hours two days ago put my mental strength to the test. The only reason the tears came after 5 hours is that I felt like I was ruining my daughter's day off with her boyfriend. Luckily, the staff let them know it would be a while, and they were able to go do things while they waited. Most of the time, I was comfortable except when I had to be on my side with my arm above my head. The pain began to be more than I could bear. Other times they had so many pillows propping me in positions I almost couldn't fit on the tube. The Valium wore off way too soon, but I was able to just blank my mind when it got too much.

I pray I am wrong about the feeling my cancer is back. With the series of events that have led up to this MRI, I really have lost faith in the medical field. Yes, in years past they are what saved my life, but only in my persistence to get 2nd and 3rd opinions when I didn't like what I heard or didn't feel it was the right course of action. My story has many, many medical blunders. I just hope the torture I went through on Thursday gives me some answers. If it's not cancer, then tell me WHAT it is, and not pass these lumps off as ... "I don't know, but I don't think it's cancer related."

Inner Pain

How do you get rid of pain that has been buried and ignored so deep within you that it has eaten away everything inside you including your soul?

SIRENIA - The Path To Decay

Burning

...each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can’t strike them all by ourselves; just as in the experiment, we need oxygen and a candle to help. In this case, the oxygen, for example, would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle could be any kind of food, music, caress, word, or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches. For a moment we are dazzled by an intense emotion. A pleasant warmth grows within us, fading slowly as time goes by, until a new explosion comes along to revive it. Each person has to discover what will set off those explosions in order to live, since the combustion that occurs when one of them is ignited is what nourishes the soul. . .You must of course take care to light the matches one at a time. If a powerful emotion should ignite them all at once they would produce a splendor so dazzling that it would illuminate far beyond what we can normally see; and then a brilliant tunnel would appear before our eyes, revealing the path we forgot the moment we were born, and summoning us to regain the divine origin we had lost. The soul ever longs to return to the place from which it came, leaving the body lifeless. . 

Quote from Like water for Chocolate

sigh ...

So many ideas ... so little money.

It would also really help if I wasn't ADD...

Change

I have been a total fuck up my entire life. Why on earth did I think I could be anything more?

Time for Healing

I thought I was letting go of the past and all the anger I have about it, but it's still there. It became even more apparent when I asked my ex to help with funds for his daughter to have gas, tolls, parking and eating at the parks today. That went over well, and I yelled at him for the first time in a very long time. Not like when we split, but I am still upset he got me to that point. Well... I allowed myself to get to that point.

I've been sick more than I have been well since the New Year started. I looked at my Louise Hay "Heal your Body" and this is what I saw. The problem is first. The affirmations are as follows.

Bronchitis - Inflamed family environment. Arguments yelling. Sometimes silent.
"I declare peace and harmony within me and all around me. All is well."


Colds - Too much going on at once. Mental confusion, disorder. Small hurts.
"I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony, within me and around me. All is well."


Coughs - A desire to bark at the world. "See me! Listen to me!"
"I am noticed and appreciated in the most positive ways. I am loved."

I'm alone in the house today. Meg took Danny to Disney for his birthday. Rich left early for work. I pulled out my long-lost Angel cards. They used to help me stay focused in times of pain. I'm not sure why I abandoned them. I was looking for a pack of tissues in one of my drawers and found a small amber bottle of anointed oil that I was given when diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I did the sign of the cross with that oil on my throat, chest, then my forehead and sat down with my cards. I clumsily mixed them with my eyes closed, waiting until it felt right to stop. When my hand was no longer able to move, I drew the first card.

New Beginnings
Card Meaning - A clean slate is presented to you as you now encounter fresh opportunities and novel experiences.

There are deeper explanations for these cards that really helped me. But I don't want to type all that!

The second card was

Support
Card Meaning - God, the Angels, and the Ascended Masters who love, protect, and guide you are watching over you right now. You are not alone, and you are safe!

The third card

Healing
Card Meaning- A situation that has caused you concern is on the mend. You are a natural healer, and healing thoughts have manifested into form.


... And I felt the need to draw a forth

Divine Guidance
Card Meaning - Trust and follow your intuition. It is God and the Angels speaking to you.

Time for new thoughts, new visions and a new life! Opening my heart and my mind, HEALING!