Breaking Free

I  had come so far only to get caught in his web of lies once again. I am breaking free.
Life is a gift, a gift worth fighting for. I'm not quite sure when I gave up my control to him, but I have been a fighter most all my life. I will be in control again and fly free like I dreamed I would once I was free of him. I am free.

why...

I just want to be happy, enjoy life ... live life. Why does it have to be so hard? Where is the confident, carefree and happy person I used to be?  Who am I? I look in the mirror and see someone I don't know. She is  hideously bloated, scared to take chances, negative no matter how hard she tries to think positive, and hides from the world because she is so ashamed of who she has become. No matter how much good and wonderful she has in her life, she only sees the bad. She is drowning in her own misery. I have come to despise her.

Threats

Sunset Vines

I'm in a bit of a better mood today. No tears. I decided to make a different version of the trapped entagled bleeding butterflies. I have to remind myself there is always hope and I can change, grow and maybe even fly.

My mood ....

Entangled

well... I'm still married.

We settled out of court. I don't like the settlement, but it seemed I had not much choice so I could keep insurance a bit longer. I modified a few things that I could, but basically I'm f*cked for life.
I was shocked when I went to sign the papers and found out he agreed to stay married for 5 years. Well, actually I knew that part. What I found out is he agreed to have to keep his job and not move out of state for 5 years! Something in me knew he really never wanted to move to CA. I'm pretty much screwed on alimony and definitely screwed on insurance after 5 years. Lets pray if there is a national health care, that is it better than medicaid! ugh. If he breaks our contract either by getting himself fired or BR letting him go for financial reasons, all bets are off on this contract and we go to court and permanent alimony, paying for my health care, all back legal costs and everything I wanted are back on the table.

My head is still spinning. I'm mentally wiped out. But in some ways there is somewhat of a relief the legal crap is over.

Don't know what to do ...

I lose my health insurance in 3 weeks. Just reading over my disability and medicaid details. I can't make any income, so my new business is useless. I can't even figure out if I am allowed to receive alimony on it. I'm either going to be forced to live in poverty and have severely crappy health care that doesn't cover what I need, or try and actually live life... but die with no health care to cover all my cancer care costs. Does he care? Not at all. Of course his life (to him) is much worse off. I guess he is backing out on us staying married for me to have health coverage.

Honestly... I just fucking give up.

hamPsters

I don't know why this video makes me laugh so hard. HamPsters are just so damn funny. I would be upset if they were biting and hurting each other, but they are using there little paws. The music makes the video!

Gonna get back to blogging

I felt better when I blogged so I am going to come back to it. Holding things in and not expressing myself is what has caused me to start having anxiety.

2009 was not a good year for me all around. Rich was out of work for almost the whole year and our relationship became strained. On the other hand Julian and I got along much better. Little did I know he was just using me because he knew I would be there for him when he needed help. I was.... every damn time he needed it. He told me how much it meant to him and at times lead me to believe there was more to it. Come to find out he had a hidden girlfriend across the country. One our kids STILL don't know about. A girl across the country is perfect for him. He can hide his flaws and have someone to talk to nightly to spew his crap to. He is definitely a talker. Then they have little weekend getaways to keep the bliss illusion. I don't believe he will ever move out there. He has everything he needs without the responsibility of being in a relationship. He can do anything he pleases. How would she know what he is up to? I actually hope he does move out there so I don't have to deal with the pain so often. Yes, we have been separated for almost 4 years now and will always be married so I can keep insurance, but it still hurts how much he has changed.

If he does move out there he will be daddy to her kids and I don't think that will be easy for my kids. Especially since they don't know she or they exist. There is a lot of flirtation on his Facebook, even talk of being tied up for sex when he goes out there this weekend. But the kids think of that as nothing knowing how many women have been in and out of his life and what a flirt he is. They don't realize it's real... or his fantasy version of real.

In good news Rich has found a job and is happy with it. He is back to being "Rich" again and I am thrilled. I need to focus on our relationship and our future. I've spent most of our time together focusing on the past and trying to fix what went wrong with my husband. I'm done with that and have a very strong good feeling about 2010. I think it's going to be our year. Things are really going to turn around and be good. :) My kids are doing great, they want to make family portraits with the 4 of us. That is a good sign. They love Rich. It's about time I gave him the respect and love he deserves.

confused

Kinda in limbo right now. Not sure what decision to make, not sure if I am strong enough to go through with what I decide. Feeling a bit lost.

I wish I could blog about what is going on and how I'm feeling. But I feel it would cause more trouble than I can handle. Blogging is therapeutic for me. I can't even keep a secret journal because I fear the repercussions. How do I screw up my life so much? Where is the strong woman I used to be?

Failure

I have pretty much failed in life. The one thing that kept me going, kept me wanting to live, is my kids. They are the light of my life. I feel as if I am a failure as a mother too. Everyone said surviving cancer when I was told I would die was a miracle. It's not. It's nothing but a nightmare. I want to get off this ride. I wish I hadn't gone for the damn IV today. I'm never going again.

oh good gawd ...

Just found out Meg has a casting tomorrow morning in South Beach. Another 6 hour round trip plus wait time. My body aches and I am so tired. I'm going to bed extra early tonight, though I haven't slept good in I don't know how long. I pray I sleep tonight. Her castings are so hard not only on my body but financially too. She can't make it if I don't do this, and I would do anything for her and Zack.

Withdrawls

I am seriously missing having Disney passes. $250 a person is seriously out of reach.
Gawd I hate being poor. :(

What do I do? Which is the right path?

Sometimes I wonder why I survived such a horrific disease just to fuck up my life. I have no one to blame but myself. When I was told I was going to die, I vowed no one would raise my kids but me. I think that is the only thing I have done semi right. There are many things I would change in what I have done for my kids or opportunities I should have made for them. But at least they have turned out to be good loving mature kids with good values and loving hearts. We have a close and open relationship and can talk to each other about anything. I do believe if I didn't have that in my life right now I would just give up. Every other aspect of my life it seems I have turned into a total fuck up. I have nothing else going for me. No, this isn't a pity party. It's a realization that I have done this all to myself and only I can change it. It's just a matter of do I care enough anymore.