Why did I accept the hatred and rage for so long? Why when I couldn't take anymore did I hold on to hope he would change? I was waiting for the man I married again. The man I gave up my dreams for so he could follow his. The man I pledged to love in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer ... in good times and in bad. No, I wasn't the same woman he married either. Having kids and fighting for my life changed me. I needed love and support. What I got was so completely opposite.
He told all our friends and acquaintances lies and half truths about me. Why? I don't know... maybe in his mind he really believed the things he said. Maybe it was to cover the fact that we both handled our problems in very wrong ways and he couldn't face what he had done. He was and still is willing to throw away years ... half our lives together ... like they meant nothing. No counseling. No facing the bad things that happened head on. Just shove it under the rug like it never happened.
Why did I hold out hope for so long through the last years of our marriage and even this last year and a half we have lived separately? I don't know, but I do know that it is a very common trend for abuse victims. If he doesn't want to get help that's fine, but I am going to get the help I need. It really scared me that the only two solutions I could come up with to end this nightmare was to move to another state so I didn't have to have this constant interaction with him... or for me to die. For two days I pondered over both. I will never ponder those thoughts again.
I opened an email this morning from a dear friend who knows I am upset. I just asked in an email to tell me I was strong enough to cut the ties and to never talk to him again. Her words hit me hard...
I KNOW you are strong enough to break from him if you totally put your heart and mind to it. This is one time I will tell you to focus on the negative-- all the misery he's brought to your life. Imagine what the last 10 years of battling cancer would have been like if Rich had been there instead of Selfish Teenager Julian. Think of all the heartache you would have been spared.
I've said it before and I will say it again. Rich has been an absolute Godsend in my life. I have been unable to fully give him my heart and kept him at friend level. He is the best damn friend I have ever had and he knew I was holding on to some hope for my marriage no matter how much I denied it. I tried lying to myself, and kept in mind how hard the last few years were. I would cringe and run to my room and hide in fear every night my husband would come home. I hid from the world. I hated life. But all the while hoping what we had once would emerge. This year and a half I had hoped somewhere deep inside that living on his own would open his eyes... but instead he is deeper into himself. It's all very sad. But out of all of this I find my heart aches most for Rich. For what I have put him though and he has always been right there at my side no matter what. I did need time to heal from my marriage. The pain was more than one can bear. But I am finally ready to give Rich my heart. I am no longer lying to myself about how I feel or fighting emotions for my marriage. I finally feel free. :)