Thinking about a Bucket List

I am so grateful for having life and never believed the doctors that I was going to die. I have a good life, but have allowed depression and stress and most of all pain and fear control me. I live for my children, yet one is on his own and the other is not far behind. Both full of life and ready for life's adventures. It's time for my own. This divorce, not the disease, has left me broken, broke and not living life. I am going to do everything in my power to fulfill things I have dreamed of doing in my life. Don't know where I will get the money to do this, but I will find a way. Here is a start to my Bucket List. There will be so much more added with time.

I want to stay in a castle turned hotel.



        

 ... or two.

Wander the English countryside.

Spend a few months in Tuscany.

Absorb every inch of Notre Dame and gaze upon the spiritual Rose window.

One day owning a few acres with horses. 

Maybe alpacas ...

 

... and one of these! <3

I'm jealous my kids are at Universals Halloween Horror Nights without me! I sat at home and played with Photoshop instead of working tonight. Going on vacation in a few days, but it seems my brain is already there!

Small Rant ...

As a breast cancer patient/survivor who has lost her breasts, I love Breast Cancer Awareness month because of the money it raises for research. It also reminds survivors we are not alone. But what really bothers me is women obsessed with their own breasts that say they support women of BC when they really don't give a crap at all. Just more of an excuse to promote their self obsession. I for one can do without the fake support, thank you.

Tears

Been crying off and on all week. My heart is breaking for a friend in hospice, regretting things I should have done. I feel so bad for Chris and Liz who have been best friends with her since childhood, and for her family who is suffering watching her suffer.

Selfishly this has been a wake up call for me. I have been so wrapped up in focusing on my problems and with this  marathon divorce I have lost the happy go lucky positive person I used to be.  I'm sick of being sick. I've been blaming the meds I am on, but I know it's mostly all me. I have to get back on a good mental and physical track. The depression I fight has some to do with it, but I have always been able to overcome. I just simply gave up the last several years.

I just wrote on Ellen's show page for survivors and broke down in tears again. I had to answer questions about my illness and give advice for someone about to start treatment. It hit me hard about how low my life has sunk and how I have allowed my life to move so off course! I used to be told I was amazing. I used to be there for women newly diagnosed. I used to talk to the other cancer patients while getting my treatments.
Now, I've pushed so many out of my life. I avoid people. I am a homebody. I sit and stay to myself in the IV room. Again, part of it is depression and losing my positive focus, but lately it's gotten to be I am ashamed of myself. My teeth are a mess from chemo and radiation and I'm ashamed to smile and laugh. I still can't find a dentist to help me. I have become so heavy and don't feel comfortable in clothes. I won't buy new clothes because I tell myself I will when I lose weight. I am ashamed to go out because I have no clothes to wear! Vicious circle I tell ya. I don't feel well and am tired all the time. If I exercised and ate right I would feel better. I over eat and don't eat the right foods because I have come to realize food comforts me. If I don't break these horrendous cycles I will never heal! I know what I need to do to get better, it's finding the motivation ... no, the mental strength to get there.

I have LIFE. Something I was told I was going to lose years ago. I want more than this. I want to start LIVING life. So many years in that chemo room I began to block out the pain and suffering that goes on there. Chris C's battle is more personal and has unblocked a reality to just how fragile life is.

Reading back over this, I even ramble in circles. No wonder I'm always dizzy.

Home Office

My home office is coming together! It's bittersweet considering it's Zacks old room and I couldn't even come in here for almost 2 months! It was too heartbreaking walking in and seeing all his things gone. He has been in this room since he was in a crib! Now that I am setting up my own workspace I'm a happy girl :-) I'm going to go through old pictures and make a collage of pictures through the years and hang it on the wall.

I spent all day going through all the things he left behind sorting what I keep for memories and what goes in the garage sale. Yes, I am crazy for having another one. Every time I do I say I will never have another. But there is just too much to bring to Goodwill so I might as well try and make a few bucks then send what's left to charity.

Right now I am using a 5ft. folding table that I will eventually use for home parties as my desk/work table. My creative juices are flowing. I just hope I can keep on task. When I have so many things I want to do I tend to start a project then move to the next, then the next and never get one fully done. I have to learn to stay on task! I think the art will be first, then the crafts, then the aromatherapy and skin care items. I won't have everything done in time for the village craft fair in October, but there will be others. I also have the website and hopes of home parties once I get things going.

I have a big futon in here so at times I can sit back, relax and think. Right now I have 3 cats checking it out thinking it's their new hangout. I don't think so! Koondah is a bit confused because he smells himself on  it and it looks eerily familiar. I got it from my ex. I also got the cat from my ex. Poor baby is looking at me like... wtf? lol

I'm pretty exhausted from working all day. My back is absolutely killing me. The heating pad and my bed are calling my name.

Words from the heart

I shouldn't still be obsessing over this, but it hurts to be blamed by people that have no clue. I saw something today that bothered me greatly and started typing these words. I'm not a writer so don't judge. The pain is real.

Fight

Breaking Free

I  had come so far only to get caught in his web of lies once again. I am breaking free.
Life is a gift, a gift worth fighting for. I'm not quite sure when I gave up my control to him, but I have been a fighter most all my life. I will be in control again and fly free like I dreamed I would once I was free of him. I am free.

why...

I just want to be happy, enjoy life ... live life. Why does it have to be so hard? Where is the confident, carefree and happy person I used to be?  Who am I? I look in the mirror and see someone I don't know. She is  hideously bloated, scared to take chances, negative no matter how hard she tries to think positive, and hides from the world because she is so ashamed of who she has become. No matter how much good and wonderful she has in her life, she only sees the bad. She is drowning in her own misery. I have come to despise her.

Threats

Sunset Vines

I'm in a bit of a better mood today. No tears. I decided to make a different version of the trapped entagled bleeding butterflies. I have to remind myself there is always hope and I can change, grow and maybe even fly.

My mood ....

Entangled

well... I'm still married.

We settled out of court. I don't like the settlement, but it seemed I had not much choice so I could keep insurance a bit longer. I modified a few things that I could, but basically I'm f*cked for life.
I was shocked when I went to sign the papers and found out he agreed to stay married for 5 years. Well, actually I knew that part. What I found out is he agreed to have to keep his job and not move out of state for 5 years! Something in me knew he really never wanted to move to CA. I'm pretty much screwed on alimony and definitely screwed on insurance after 5 years. Lets pray if there is a national health care, that is it better than medicaid! ugh. If he breaks our contract either by getting himself fired or BR letting him go for financial reasons, all bets are off on this contract and we go to court and permanent alimony, paying for my health care, all back legal costs and everything I wanted are back on the table.

My head is still spinning. I'm mentally wiped out. But in some ways there is somewhat of a relief the legal crap is over.

Don't know what to do ...

I lose my health insurance in 3 weeks. Just reading over my disability and medicaid details. I can't make any income, so my new business is useless. I can't even figure out if I am allowed to receive alimony on it. I'm either going to be forced to live in poverty and have severely crappy health care that doesn't cover what I need, or try and actually live life... but die with no health care to cover all my cancer care costs. Does he care? Not at all. Of course his life (to him) is much worse off. I guess he is backing out on us staying married for me to have health coverage.

Honestly... I just fucking give up.

hamPsters

I don't know why this video makes me laugh so hard. HamPsters are just so damn funny. I would be upset if they were biting and hurting each other, but they are using there little paws. The music makes the video!