Moody Moods

True, I am a moody person. I used to be able to talk about how I feel. But years of being back stabbed or things I say being taken the wrong way I find it hard to express how I feel. I keep it all internal and one day I feel my heart... or my brain will just explode.

The many faces of me ...

feeling feisty and devilish

out for blood

cold and alone

like I can fly

like I should just disappear

broken

no one can hear me

infuriated

drowning

“…Slowly, slowly the wound to the soul begins to make itself felt, like a bruise, which only slowly deepens its terrible ache, till it fills all the psyche. And when we think we have recovered and forgotten, it is then that the terrible after-effects have to be encountered at their worst.”—D.H. Lawrence (Lady Chatterly’s Lover, 1928)

A friend had a talk with me a couple of weeks ago. She was concerned about my social withdrawal and my avoidance of friends. She told me she has thought I had symptoms of PTSD ... post traumatic stress disorder. I was in shock. First because I only associated ptsd with soldiers, but also because I thought I hid my depression pretty well from friends and family. I guess not. I never knew breast cancer survivors could have this trauma disorder. She said she has seen signs of it since 5 years ago when we met. She also suffers from ptsd, but for completely different reasons. She said in the past two years my symptoms have gotten progressively worse and felt it was time to get the nerve to talk to me about it.

In researching the symptoms for breast cancer survivors it does show avoidance, depression, social withdrawal, sleeplessness (I can't remember a time I have slept through the night), inability to focus, flashbacks, avoiding friends and family, ... and marriage falling apart. To be honest, I believe I had ptsd before I was diagnosed.... or maybe it was just depression. But I had a traumatic experience when I was younger and I think that combined with what I have gone through with this 11 year cancer battle and things in my marriage going so terribly wrong it's something I should get help dealing with. I have an appointment with my doctor in a few weeks to find out.

I get angry and disappointed with myself and think... I'm a strong woman! How could I let this happen? How could my life have spun so out of control? Get a grip and regain control!